Kaiser BLEEPING sucks!

My brother had his jaw surgery today.

I still can't fathom how incompetent his nurse was/is.

When he came into recovery he was given (all which was allowed/Dr was to order), no water,  no xanax, no pain meds, she smacked her gum while jerking him around. He couldn't speak when he tried to say "Help, help, help" Pain level was at a 9. No Vaseline for his lips, he can't lick them. Nose starts to bleed, can't blow his nose, supposed to use q-tips and there are none. Nurse eventually gives him water and sets the container down, he can't drink through a cup or straw it needs to be put into a syringe left to do so on his own. Using ice packs that were NOT sufficient. They need to be ICE cold for his face at all times, they were the ones you put ice and water in, it took too long to become cold. Unbelieveable.

Yet the "kid" two doors down had the same surgery 4 hrs before my brother and was sitting up in his bed eating jello with his ice packs properly wrapped around his head. WTF?!

I hate Kaiser.

With a passion.

I still do...

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses, and still thinks you are amazing.

Puts a whole new meaning on the "phrase" doesn't it???

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.




A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they c...ome into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you.



A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

Food for thought

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" ♥

Thank you

Thanks to those who loved me,
you made my heart grow fonder.

Thanks to those who cared,
you made me feel important.

Thanks to those who entered into my life,
You made me who I am today.

Thanks to those who left,
you showed me nothing lasts forever.

Thanks to those who stayed,
you showed me true friendship.

Thanks to those who listened,
you made me feel like I was worth it.

Alicia Keys - Fallin'

Still...

Frankie J - Obsesion (No Es Amor)

I love it when people never respond to texts messages. Just to at least give a conclusion, an ending, something.

Leads to a minor obsession....which THAT leads to being out of proportion. Have you ever experienced an obsession? I think you might have, I'd ask to be "released from this obsession" but I already know that will only initiate a cold, rude, mean text that I don't want. So I guess being ignored or receiving the silence is better in a sense.

Today was actually a better day. It was a lazy Sunday and started a little rocky, but turned out to be a really good day. Even understanding the one person that has no obligation to listen what so ever, disappointed me. Doesn't matter that they did. No obligation what so ever to make it better, change the facts, nor even look back in my direction. I don't matter, that is the one thing I do know and understand. What I don't understand is everything that I held "holy" is crumbling. Images that I thought still stood true are dissipating right before my eyes. Perhaps that is what I need. It's as if the "pedastool" is being yanked out from underneath you. You aren't the person that I remembered you as. Yes, people change. Yes, it's ok to become different. Yet, let's put it this way. Initially, you looked amazing...yet now, I have the absolute worst bitter taste in my mouth and all I can do is spit you out.

Are you thinking, wow this is just drama you didn't need? Well lets put it this way, I maybe almost 9mo pregnant and emotional and hormonal which is perhaps where the base of this is steming from...but you are NOT innocent. It only took 48hrs to know exactly how she feels....so what's your excuse?

Just keeps getting "better and better"

Last night was crazy. Just when you think you've had enough and can't take any more....BAM. Literally. Night time always seems to be harder. The past 2 nights have been the most challenging yet, easiest at the same time. Weird how that happens. But the past week has been by far the worst.
Go figure, it was my first week off work and shit hit the fan. Letting all the work stress go, keeping up with Jayden, DJ working like crazy (like usual) yet we've been arguing, plus keeping up with household chores, my brother having jaw surgery in 3 days, my dad.....I can't even speak on that. Then you add myself. I'm 8 1/2 mo pregnant. I am on disability due to pregnancy, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and anxiety. The pregnancy in itself is the most challenging I have dealt with internally. With it comes SO MANY symptoms. One small thing people seem to forget is emotions, hormones (which I'm already off balance with thyroid), and sensitivity.

Is it fair to treat a damn near 9mo pregnant woman as if she was "normal"? I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm just asking for you to be a little more AWARE that I AM TRYING my absolute BEST to maintain control. What grasp I can actually hold on to....

Yet the moment something bothers me, upsets me, hurts my feelings etc, I'M THE ONE who is in the wrong. I'm being ridiculous. I'm crazy. I'm.....whatever. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel???? My feelings aren't validated therefore what I'm feeling must be absolutely absurd. I can't possibly feel like this. Makes me feel incredibly stupid..

I'm having such a hard time because I DO NOT like to feel like I'm whining! I'm not a whiner. I HATE feeling like this. I hate not being able to SHAKE these feelings off. I can't do what I want. I can't do so many things and it frustrates me. I can't just relax, yet I don't have the energy to do anything. Which is NOT me. This last trimester is kicking my ass!!

I have tried to open up to and talk a little about it yet I continue to get blown off. Just reinforces everything I'm comfortable with.....suppressing it all. We all have our own problems right? No one wants to hear about others? Therefore, I'm just not going to talk about it. I'm going to try my hardest to pretend nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

So that's it. Power of positive thinking...or denial which ever deemed appropriate. =)

Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind #7 (With Lyrics)

Can't sleep. Thought this song would help... eh not so much.

Now I'm hot and restless. I am sitting outside in my backyard on the cool pavement because I.....
the cold, cold pavement feels good on my skin. I don't want to stand and take another shower and I'm too hot for a bath...I think an adivan is a must right now.

I had a good night. A good time with Jayden and a good time AWAY from home. I'm almost done with this pregnancy I just need to hang on, but I am SO DONE. Slaps me with the reality of how dependent I am on substances when times get tough. No one likes to be sober, of course. Yet when you have NO choice but to remain sober it's a different reality in which you face moving forward.

I'm glad I didn't get into my drama tonight. Yes, perhaps I mentioned 1 or 2 things, but that was just the sprinkles on the sundae. Why do I default to supressing it all? Oh that's right, because no one fucking understands me or "it". It is SO frustrating to continue to explain over and over again the why's, etc. I don't need to be judged, I don't need random comments made about my family either. I just want to be heard and understood. Silly me, I walked away from the only other person who got me besides my mother (even that is limited). What the hell was I thinking?

Can't rewind and you can't fast forward. You can only grasp and form the present into what you want it to be and what you can make of it.

"Soak it all in, it's a game you can't win, enjoy the ride...."

Missing Someone

"Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something & wishing they we're right there by your side"

No Clue

Last night I was in tears 3x due to your words.
Tonight, isn't looking any brighter. I am so beyond frustrated and all you can do is focus on yourdemanding job that frustrates you. So I'm supposed to stroke your back and tell you I'm sorry you have a boss that is so unorganized and likes to dip into the fund for the fleet and not maintain his trucks for his employees so now ALL OF THEM are broken! I told you to go above him, or go to HR, it's not about him being a sorry ass manager now it's been about your safety for quite sometime. You come home in a foul ass mood and treat me like shit because of how your long day went. Today you got stranded because the truck broke down and there was fuel everywhere, all over the engine. Ummmm hello you're lucky it didn't explode in your face and you didn't die (yes I'm aware I'm exaggerating)! Is it just me or can you not see the SAFETY concerns here??
I am not a high maintenance woman. I do not complain. I do not give you a hard time because your job requires you to be away from your family more than you are home with us. I do not tell you that something has to change. I do not tell you that I'm lonely. I do not tell you that I'm stressed. I do not tell you that I'm frustrated. I do not tell you because I do not want to add to your plate.
What I do tell you is through tears when you consistantly hurt my feelings because YOU'RE frustrated. I do tell you that I miss you. I do tell you when you have hurt my feelings.
Yet, 3x this week you've damn near had a melt down on me because you came home and were having a bad night. Last night you told me that I do something everyday that irratates you. Do have any idea how heartbreaking that is to your 8mo pregnant wife who is on disability due to her pregnancy, with anxiety and history of high blood pressure and stress??? Do you honestly think the ONLY stress has been work? NO! I'm stressed in every aspect yet you can't pull your head out of your own ass to realize that you aren't the only one that is stressed!!! I'm trying to be supportive to you and I'm not sure what else I could possibly do for you. Yet, I haven't received a damn thing from you and I'm the one pregnant.

MEN CAN BE SUCH IDIOTS SOMETIMES I SWEAR!!!!!!

Still has not clue, even attempting to tell him. Nothing. When I speak, he feels that I'm giving him a guilt trip. That's NOT my fault! I'm not speaking rudely at all! That's his own issue he needs to get passed. Therefeore, I'm unable to communicate to him where I'm coming from because he just feels guilty when I tell him. WTF is that about ?!??!?!

This is some bullshit. All I can do is cry and I feel my blood boiling.

At this point I'd rather be ALONE!!! (Meaning just go away so I don't have to deal with this bullshit!)

Lauren Alaina - Like My Mother Does

Love this song!!!!

Miranda Lambert - Baggage Claim

This song cracks me up! Love it.

Wait....it gets better

Saturday I stubbornly thought I was feeling a little better so I go to my mom's since DJ got called into work and had to go to Fresno at 6am. Jayden, my mom and I go to the Giant Pumpkin Festival at Elk Grove Park. We walk from my parents house and we walk all the way around the pond. I had to stop and sit 2x just cause I needed to rest my back. We come home and I realized I probably did too much by going.

THEN Sunday comes along. I wake up at 630 with Jayden, go back to bed at 830 woke up at 11, went back to bed at 1 woke up at 330. Took a shower at 430 and went back to bed not having any energy what so ever. I then realized at 530 I hadn't felt the baby move very much all day. I probably felt her 4x total. So I text Brie and she tells me call the nurse. I'm like eh....ya....ok fine. I call the RN and the RN pages the on call Dr. The on call Dr tells me to eat or drink something sugary lay on my side and try and count 10 movements in an hour. If I don't then I can (not should) go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital for monitoring. I thankfully got some movement within an hour and passed out. I had everyone worried because I didn't give them an update before I fell asleep. =( Whoops.

So now, today is monday....and I'm ready to go back to bed! I'm calling my boss to let him know and will go in later. I feel like crap!!

Scared shitless

So tonight we are sitting in our front yard for a change enjoying the weather and Jayden is playing with his toys. We've been out there almost an hour and we are not on a busy street so there is no real danger of him being on the sidewalk.
However, on of the daycare kids is being picked up (which is 2 doors down from us, we're on the curve so it's adjacent to us) and the little boy yells out "Bye Jayden!" Jayden instantly gets excited and runs into the street towards the little boy smiling. I am sitting on the front lawn and LEAP up so damn fast I thought I was literally flying. I grab his arm and pick him up because I heard a car coming yet my Jeep in our drive way blocked my view partially. THANK GOD the man saw him and slowed down. I freaked. My heart was racing so fast and Dj had gone in the house and didn't see it happen.
Why can't my life just be dull and boring? Seriously?
NOW, my pelvis hurts so bad it hurts to stand and walk and am feeling popping sensations along my sides. I'm definitely SORE, ya'll have know idea how fast I was flying. I came in the house and laid on my bed and started to cry. I hurt instantly and my heart was racing. IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!! =(
Taking tylenol and going to bed.
I'm definitely not in good shape. Haven't recouped from my last set of symptoms now I'm adding to the plate.
Seriously wish I had an uneventful life.

OMG

I'm having some serious issues breathing, standing, sitting, laying down....freaking out.

Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind #7 (With Lyrics)

Join me. TURN IT UP!!!!! You won't regret it.

Can it get any worse?!

Day 2 of no communication...

I impulsively sent this text:
"What did I do to deserve this? I didn't talk to you Mon night because I was HURT when you told me I was getting on your nerves before you went into Subway. Now I'm the one suffering, for what?"
"Because you think it's fun to play mind games with your already suffering pregnant wife?" Obviously I was mad.
I got no response.
2 hrs later.....
I get "working late" I wanted to say something rude and sassy but I didn't. I didn't respond.
Then it got the best of me and I sent an hour later....
"This is all HORSE SHIT. Can we please stop? All I do is cry and I'm tired!"
No response. He called 2 hrs later (1st time) and the call was dropped.
Then I get this:
"You don't understand. I'm BEYOND frustrated and annoyed with work. I feel like no matter what I do I can't please anyone. You never once called me yesterday so I guess you were mad. You make everything about you. When was the last time you called me or held me in bed or kissed my forehead I'm doing everything I can and it seems not enough. I'm sick and tired of fighting and arguing. I'm not going to put up with this shit anymore."

Ouch. I understand he's not the only one that has a lot on his plate and his work is frustrating. But he's so involved with his job that I am the last one on his list. Which I get. I haven't complained. The only reason he throws it being about me is because I am NOT interested in being intimate with him. Too much going on and I told him that he hasn't even LOOKED at me like that and is asking for it all. So I then respond with you haven't touched me, caressed me, looked at me, hugged me, kissed me, held me nothing for months. So I'm angry when he comes to me wanting intimacy. It's like warming up an ice cube. PLUS I'm pregnant! Sex is not comfortable! Not to mention how unattractive I feel, I can't breathe lol, etc. So now it's my fault that he's giving me the silent treatment? Because I need to be more sensitive to his needs??? Which ya'll don't even understand how willing and accepting I have been this whole time. NOW when I am struggling to the deepest core inside my body, it's all about me? That hurts my feelings too because everything I have done is not acknowledged either!

All I replied with was "I FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO"

Ready for this? I get "Let's separate for awhile then. I don't know what else to do"

You're seriously going to leave your almost 8 month pregnant wife because you can't handle it anymore???
Why don't you just take a knife to my heart? This is the 3rd or 4th comment that has really hurt my feelings.

So by now I'm pissed and can't hold my tongue.
I send "NO. YOU NEED TO QUIT WITH THE MIND GAMES. DROP THE BULLSHIT AND TALK TO ME. I'M ON YOUR SIDE AND I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING"

"I'll talk to you later about this" is the last I've heard.........

I really really hope that we can actually talk tonight. Geez. We can't continue like this. I know I CANT CONTINUE like this.......

I'm ready to break in every aspect. =( We we're fine up until monday....what the hell.
*************************
Update:
We finally had the chance to talk. Once he dropped the bull shit "I assumed you were mad" and quit blaming his actions on me he told me how he felt. Basically overwhelmed, which I am too! No reason to shut me out and tell me you're going to go stay the night in a hotel because you don't want to come home. If anyone should be staying the night in a hotel it should be ME! HAHA =) wink.

I told him shit is about to hit the fan in the sense of demand and hard work coming our way. We have work, Jayden and will have our newborn in addition to life, housework, cleaning, car repairs, bills, etc. It's going to be hard but we're a team and we can't break now! We 've been doing really well communicating. I just think we are both on overload right now. On that note I'm go take a bath or something try and relax. My feet hurt.

Silent Treatment

So last night I got into an argument with Dj because I was trying to explain to him how much is on my plate and why I am so stressed out giving him reason to my Doctor wanting to take me off work so early. As we were talking it started to get heated, mind you I am driving and Jayden is with us so I'm not trying to argue in front of him. Dj starts to get frustrated and states he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what I want him to do about his long hours at work etc. I calmly told him I've never once complained, asked you to do something about it nor have I ever ever blamed you. All I was simply trying to say was that I HAVE A LOT GOING ON. I'm thinking, how hard is this to comprehend? Really? Instead, he makes the comment "you are really starting to irritate me" .........are you freaking kidding me??? You really tell your already emotional pregnant wife that I'm getting on your nerves?? My blood instantly boiled, but I didn't react and I didn't respond. Not a single word. Probably because all my efforts were focusing on NOT crying and parking the car (we were going to subway). So I shut down. I was so hurt that he said that to me AND that it felt like it was all about him!! I am not the one to be high maintenance, nor ask for a lot, I'm pretty self sufficient and independent. So the LITTLE support and understanding that I was seeking was/is no where to be found.

I had plans to go to Julianna's and help her with her campaign project. There were handful of people going, whom I've never met. She was rewarding our efforts of helping her with pizza and wine. I figured it would be a good escape after the day I had yesterday so I pulled up the driveway, opened the garage and waited for Dj to get out and grab Jayden and I took off. I made it all the way to Jst before I read his text about " I work 10-12hr days I come home and shower, feed Jayden, lay him down and by then it's time to go to bed. What am I supposed to do?" Which made me instantly cry. First of all, that's NOT true. He's not home until maybe an hr before Jayden's bedtime. Everything is DONE by the time he gets home. Second, Jayden goes to bed at 7, are you telling me there is no time left to visit with your wife?? I only responded with "I guess your pregnant wife doesn't fit in your daily schedule. " I almost didn't make it to Julianna's because I couldn't refrain from crying. I thankfully was able to suck it up and go in. I checked my phone maybe an hour after I got there seeing I had 2 texts one stating "hello this isn't over" which did not sit with me well. Leave me alone. So when I came home at 830, yes, I was still upset and had nothing to say to him. I went to bed with out speaking to him. Told him to just leave me alone.
So today. I have not heard from him all day. Usually I get a 730am good morning call. Nope. A few calls through out the day. Nope. I come home early from work being exhausted I wanted to take a nap before I had to go get Jayden. I didn't know he was home, he was in the shower when I got home. I didn't acknowledge him I just went to lay down. Attempting to get some rest. I don't think he realized I was home at first. Then he finally realized it, and I think he was trying to be nice and clean up. I heard the vacuum and the load of laundry being started. I thought that's nice, but why on the one day I come home and want it to be quiet you're going to be nice and clean and be LOUD. He walked into our room 3x in 30min as I was trying to sleep, that was AFTER he shut the door loudly 2x. I asked him what he was doing and he ignored me. So finally I got up and locked the door and turned on the fan. Needless to say I was not able to sleep. I got up once I heard Jayden screaming in the kitchen, Dj had picked him up and was feeding him dinner. He still wasn't talking to me nor even looking in my direction so I just sat there. Played with Jayden, went to my room. I tried talking to him and he tells me "I have nothing to say to you" So I picked up my purse put on my shoes and left. Where am I going to go? I have no friends. I have a husband that is giving me the silent treatment WHEN I'm the one who was originally upset!!
I tried going to the pharmacy to pick up my rx but there was a line and it wasn't moving. I tried going to get a pedicure but there was a gas leak smell and I knew if I stayed it would bother me, yet alone be healthy for me to breathe! So I left. I ended up at my parents. Ate dinner, went to yogurt with my parents and came home. Dj walked in the living room and still hasn't said a word to me. It's now been over 24hrs since we spoke to each other.
"This is horse shit!"
Like I need this right now.

Plans

Isn't it funny how people talk in the term "plans"? Oh what is your 5 yr plan? Where do you want to be in 10 yrs? I'm asked that question every year for my annual review. I could never professionally express where I wanted to be because I am content and satisfied with my job and Employer.
If it was asked personally, where do you want to be in "4 yrs" I'd still be waiting 2 more yrs to be where I am at today. I couldn't wait that long. There is no way I could have waited to start a family for 4 yrs. Not saying that it's a bad thing but I didn't want to start at 30 if I had the option. There are always multiple factors that leads you to a decision. Sometimes we don't always SEE them all until after everything is said and done.
 

"Bittersweet. When we look back on the past and see where we are today, noting the lessons that we’ve learned along the journey, one can only accurately describe it as ‘bittersweet’. So many things in life prove to be bittersweet….but we don’t tend to realize the ‘sweet’ until we can accept and embrace all the ‘bitter’ components that guide us along our way. Most times that takes a lot of time, and confusion too. I’m not ashamed of my mistakes nor the memory full of regrets that once plagued my mind. They happened. They’re all in the past…and I’m no longer there dwelling in those choices and missteps. I’ve accepted each and everyone since instance of my life that I might have once classified as ‘bitter’ because now I know that were Blessings in Disguise. I’ve embraced that each past love & (coincidential) heartbreak was a stepping stone in the grand scheme of this Little Life of Mine. I may have no idea what’s next nor where I’m truly headed, but I’m actually okay with that. Maybe not every second of every day, but I’m okay. And even more so, I’m okay if I ended up making more mistakes along my journey; however, I’m determined to live my life without any regrets."
She said it quite well. I wish I could say the EXACT same. For the most part, I do. Just have to keep at it I guess.

So yesterday....

Yesterday was one of thee roughest days.
I knew that it was going to happen yet I didn't want it to.

My doctor wanted me to not go back to work! I can't take off work for NINE weeks! Are you kidding me?! What in the world am I going to do with myself. Other than SLEEP. I guess that wouldn't be such a bad thing considering....

I didn't realize that the pain in my feet was plantar fasciitis and would require cortozone injections in my heels! Or that the charlie horses in the middle of the night were a result of low levels of minerals, such as potassium and calcium. Which would be self explanitory because I'm horrible at taking my prenatal vitamins. I know shame on me! My hip pain is due to the softening and shifting of my pelvic bones, paired with the pressure of carrying around a huge uterus, can lead to hip pain and discomfort in the third trimester. Of course I can go on and on and on about all my other symptoms but who cares.

Long story short. My blood pressure is UP (bad) and Lily's is UP (good) and I'm having anxiety on top of it all, therefore, I am to stop working. I said no. She can't force me. However, as a compromise to her wanting to take me off NOW vs my original date Oct. 28th I agreed to next Friday. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF FOR 6 WEEKS?????? Lily isn't due to arrive until Nov 28th! That's a long time to be off work. I'm going to go crazy. LOL. It will take me 2 weeks to probably get all the projects that I want done around the house....so I'll sleep for the last MONTH.

I am looking forward to spending time with Jayden. He is my world.

You

Don't leave her

You say you and her are really over


Don’t wanna make up just to fall apart again

You say you want off this roller coaster

Well, friend, let me ask you this



Can you stand to see her dancin’ in somebody else’s arms?

Do you think that you’ll go crazy every time you see her car?

If you can’t scroll by her number, not dial it on your phone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her

If you can’t let her go



I ain’t saying you ain’t got good reason

For wanting to take a match to everything

But before you set your mind on leavin’

You really oughta stop and think



Can you run across her picture and not wonder where she is?

Can you catch the scent of her perfume and not think about her kiss?

If you can’t stop dreamin’ ’bout her when you’re sleepin’ all alone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her



Swallow your pride and turn this thing around

Cause this  here is a road

You don’t wanna go down



If you can’t stand to see her dancin’ in somebody else’s arms

Or you think that you’ll go crazy every time you see her car

If you can’t scroll by her number and not dial it on your phone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her

Don’t leave her

If you can’t let her go

If you can’t let her go

Borderline Counselor Appointment

I would make a counselor appointment in a heartbeat if I could make it with Paul. But I can't. He's become our marriage counselor and therefore you can't see him as an individual because you would "tip the scale" so to speak in him being more "favorable" to one vs the other. OR there are no secrets. I can't go and tell him anything that he or I wouldn't be able to discuss in front of Dj. I'm not saying that I have all secrets, yet sometimes you just want to be able to talk to someone else about certain things with out having to disclose your every thought and feeling. Sometimes your spouse just isn't the one to understand and that's ok.
So where does that leave me. Having to search for a brand new counselor. Who doesn't know me or my past and I'd have to start from square one? Ummmm no thank you I'll pass. There's no way that I'm going to start from the beginning to try and explain what I'm feeling currently.

So.....still haven't decided how much I'm going to tell my OB Dr today....I'm not trying to be tough and strong or even stubborn. I just don't see what good it will do. Of course any major concerns for the baby's sake will be addressed but.....the rest of my thoughts just feel like my own bullshit. At least if I wasn't pregnant I would be able to smoke, drink, self medicate, get a tattoo to equal out the pain...last time I felt like this I.....
Damn I wish I could go back to bed!!

Tomorrow

So tomorrow I have my doctor's appointment and I'm debating whether or not to spill all or go in and act like everything is fine. Is there really going to be a difference in outcome?
I just glanced down at my feet and had to take a double......geez they're fat! lol gross. great now i feel like a whale and look like one too and now I get to have cankles? LOL. Hooray.
You know I look back on certain behaviors that I have had in my past and one stood out to me. Having a mental block when trying to eat. Have you ever tried or been in the middle of eating and all of a sudden you feel like you are going to throw up? Well I have and I'm not sick. Well you know what I mean, not the flu or anything. lol. I maybe sick in the head....and lately I feel like I'm loosing it and quite honestly it's a little scary. I've never felt out of control....like my emotions are coming and going and they are up and then they are down and then a wave hits me then calm, etc. Geezus I know I'm pregnant but this is beyond any hormonal changes.
I cried because Jayden spilt a box of milk duds all over my side of the bed. I cried because I tried telling Dj why I was upset, that all I do is clean clean clean and it's frustrating. His response, "so and so (I don't remember the name he used) and your mom did it. Surely you can survive it." Which sent me into another round of tears locking myself in the bathroom.
Eventually the house got cleaned, Jayden went to Grandma's and Dj and I went on our date for our Anniversary. It was a great weekend overall.
Why can't I just shake these shadows that are lingering deep within my heart. I feel like "someone" is about to die and I'm anticipating a death of a loved one. If that makes any sense what so ever....
I know I sound crazy. It makes my skin crawl just trying to voice how I feel.

Jayden and Chloe

This morning my son decides to "man handle" his favorite kitty. He starts dancing a bit then attempts to toss her aside like a rag doll. =( My poor Chloe.

30 weeks & Happy Anniversary!!

30 weeks with 9 weeks left and I am feeling like a huge whale looking like a large watermelon. LOL. Ugh. I'm happy and don't get me wrong i'm very excited to see my baby girl very soon....yet the waves of emotions I've recently been feeling have making me diagnosing myself and I never do that. I've been receiving my weekly updates on how I'm progressing and I keep clicking on the link about emotions. "Make sure you tell your doctor if you start to feel...." "Make sure you notify your doctor immediately if....." Seriously? How do I know if it's just normal or not? I mean come on, people FEEL things everyday it's a part of life right so why should I think any differently? Just because I'm pregnant it's different? No it's not. Yes, I know, I'm stubborn. But look, just because I don't have a thyroid and can be extremely fatigue to the point of I can't function and can pass out doesn't give me the excuse to play victim. I have meds for my condition. No excuses. So what are the result of my emotions during pregnancy? Medicate me? No thanks.

Like I said before. Going through difficult times while pregnant is like having a procedure done with no anesthesia. ...."This is gonna hurt.....this is gonna hurt like hell..........this is gonna damn near kill me.....sometimes the truth ain't easy"...."love don't run" .....................(sometimes we do....run). No drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no nothing. I already know that I'm getting a tattoo after I deliver. I must. I WANT to endure that pain to permanently mark on my body.....I know what I want and where I want it.

Disturbed

Yesterday was so much fun. I had a really good time visiting Apple Hill with my boys and eating delicious goodies. I was so beat when we got home I passed out at 8 o'clock! I had some pretty disturbing dreams last night. Not that they haven't happened before. But maybe because the phrase "I'm not the same person" was emphasized my mind subconsciously started to panic negatively. We all change, we're never the same exact person yet last nights dreams were vivid. I hate those. Unless they are amazing dreams which of course would make you feel warm and happy inside. Last nights, however, did not. All I kept seeing was this asshole of a man that was arrogant and flat out mean. It was like a movie. A character far beyond your imagination, so unreal, that it only could happen in a movie. Needless to say I woke up feeling......a number of things.

Ringing

I just caught the last 1/2 - 3/4 of that new Wall Street movie on HBO and I can't help repeat this quote over and over in my head.


"It's different now. We're supposed to make each other feel safe and if we don't then what's the point?"

Hmmmmm.....

***********************************
Update:
I was watching the movie Eat. Pray. Love last night as I was falling asleep. I've only seen it 1-2 times and I really liked it but it's been awhile. I laid there thinking now this is a movie that I could actually watch REPEATEDLY, if you know me I don't like watching movies I've already seen.
So I'm in my room since 7 after I laid Jayden down and was actually relaxing. I wasn't cleaning, even though there was laundry to be put away at the end of our bed. Laundry to be washed, get ready for our trip Sat, etc. I just laid there. Extremely rare event for me. I was waiting on my Tiger's yogurt request from Dj running an errand. After he came home he was hooking up his PS3 that I got him for our Anniversary in the living room. So I found another movie to watch.....
Have you seen this movie??? When she is in India and she's talking to Richard he tells her you can't leave this place until you forgive yourself. I lost it. That movie isn't just a chill, non-thinking type of movie. Everything about it is "soul searching" so to speak. So then I start to think and reflect. Which can be dangerous at times.
My stomach had been hurting all freaking day, I hadn't eaten anything but a bagel at 10am and a lil bit of chicken and rice when I got home. I picked up Jayden from daycare and came in the kitchen to make dinner. All of a sudden I felt light headed and knew I needed to eat STAT. I opened some applesauce and thankfully Dj was coming home as I was defrosting the chicken and attempting to start the rice. I needed to sit down. Jayden was in his highchair snacking.
Well having Dj take over perhaps wasn't the greatest idea. He can get flustered and was already hot/sweaty and irritated from work. He came home showing me what he bought me for our anniversary (I told him to get something for Lily since I don't need anything). I was not able to focus at that moment which disappointed him. Adding to his frustration. I eventually come sit down with Jayden in the living room and I hear a big "sizzle" he was trying to take out the chicken dish and dropped it resulting with it hitting the bottom of the oven and him burning his hand. At this point im more irritated than concerned because if he would have just slowed down and pulled out a proper oven mit or even took the time to get a towel it wouldn't have happened. So now he's pissed. Half acting like a joking diva but half serious. I didn't react.
So the evening was already started out rough....
Which ended up being fine.
Yet when laying in bed, alone, like normal because he's never home. I realize I just bought him a PS3. LOL. He deserves to have his fun but damn. I never see him as it is working 120+ hours a pay period and now he's going to want to unwind playing his game. Phooey.
So my tears were an accumulation of a rough night, missing someone severely, feeling like I have no friends and my husband being MIA. I seriously hate when I have to put Jayden to bed sometimes because I feel like he's my only constant in my life.....
Perhaps this stupid stomach ache is just stress related? I've lost my appetite, I can't eat.
But you better believe I am going to be eating a caramel apple today. Can't guarantee that it will be just one. ..

First day of FALL

My favorite season has FINALLY ARRIVED. I am to say that I don't feel like I'm "falling" like I was just a short time ago. I've been given hope and that's all anyone can ask for.

On another note, my stomach hurts so bad today. First this morning was anxiety attack and a headache. Headache hasn't gone away but the anxiety has (thank you). My eyes probably look like I got punched (from crying). Yet I don't know why I've developed such pain in my tummy. I ate breakfast. My fav, bagel and cream cheese =) gotta love them carbs right?! Perhaps more water will help. Not like I need to go to the bathroom any more frequently than I already am but maybe it will help flush the ickies away.... I'm trying very hard to take a deep breath and remain calm, but I have not felt Lily kick me more than 2x in the past 2-3 days....I'm only 30wks just about and she's only 3-4lbs right now. But everytime I go in to my Dr they ask me if I actively feel her move. I can't say that I have and that worries me. But then again, I'm not one to overreact...but when do you make sure there is nothing to be concerned about. Last time I was pregnant and I had got into a car accident I got repremanded for not immediately going to the hospital into Labor and Delivery for fetal monitoring. I told them look I was at a stop sign for pete's sake! The crash was not that forceful. They didn't seem to care either way.
This pregnancy is soooooooooo different every symptom I have makes me "gasp" in reaction thinking what was that? Is that ok? Is it normal?? I had ALL DAY morning sickness for the first 2-3 months I was pregnant. I had food poisioning during that time as well so I threw up more in that time frame then I have my entire life. Which is why I haven't gained much weight. LOL. I've had my organs re-arrange themselves in the beginning, which was the POPPING noises I felt all over my belly/chest/pelvis/sides. That's a feeling you can't even describe, LOL, at least it wasn't painful. Then excruciating pain in my lower belly/pelvis area from my previous c-section scar tissue stretching!! That was intense pain. Heartburn that was so bad the back of my neck BURNED I wanted to cry. Anxiety from work/home stress (balance), which is why I was given a refill =). Oh, acid reflux for the first time EVER on the night of my BIRTHDAY. I blame it on spaghetti and glass of wine I had. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling gas fumes coming up my throat and started choking, ran to the bathroom and threw up all over the sink, floor and toilet. TMI? Sorry, but that shirt hurt so bad. To think Jayden had acid reflux for his first 6mo of life no wonder he cried! That stuff hurts!!! My back hurts so bad I have to take tylenol almost daily to relieve the pain of carrying baby. My neck and shoulders have hurt so bad I've been going to Physical Therapy for over a month now. She has been working her magic, yet when I hear "oh that's more than just stiffness", "you're left side is your worst yet the right side is nothing to sneeze at either" or "I want you to keep coming so we can work on aligning your spine and discs more" Ummmm ok. I've felt like this for well over a year just worse with stress and you're telling me that it's more than that? What the hell.....my body is breaking down on me? Am I really that old??? lol. For the first time in well over a year I can actually move my neck from left to right with out using my hand to push on my chin and it's cracks!! It feels so much looser.....I don't think I've ever been able to do that! If by the end of my 6 visits I'm not better I might be referred for a MRI. I've never had an MRI in my life. Obviously that has to be after the baby is born.... My feet are starting to swell, I'm starting to waddle

Oh ya after the baby is born I get to go to the dentist and get my cavaites filled, go back to my OB to have a re-check on my cervix to make sure I don't have cervical cancer she thinks it's just irratation from pregnancy so only way to check is to wait until after delivery (no harm to the baby) and follow up with MRI for my neck/shoulder....oh and my levels plummited so quickly that I am being monitored 2x as much for my thyroid as usual. More blood work, more visits, another ultrasound.

I swear, can't they start a frequent flyer miles at the doctor's offices?? Because I swear I'M LIVING there. I work and am seen constantly!!

I pray my blood pressure is lower than my last visit. I really don't want to start any blood pressure medication for the first time ever in my life while pregnant. But if I don't, or if it's still high I risk going into pre-mature labor....

We'll know on Monday!

Right now I'm going to ENJOY my weekend going to Apple Hill with my family celebrating my 2nd wedding anniversary and having a date with my husband on Sunday so we can actually sit down and eat a meal together just the two of us with out a lil piggy asking for "a bite?.....a bite?" LOL.

First day of Fall, Apple Hill and Wedding Anniversary.

I need help

I can never speak freely. I can never say what it is that I'm truly thinking for I'm in fear of someone else reading it. Someone else misinterpreting my words or flat out thinking about things I shouldn't be. Therefore, I always feel like I can't speak my mind. My mind is never free. It was once upon a time. Yet, I have yet to feel that way again. Facebook, blogging, friends, family, spouse....makes no impact what so ever.
I feel like I always have this whole different world inside my mind that no one understands. NO ONE. Not my husband, not my best friend, my mom, no one. No one that understands. So if I were to finally have someone that understood, are you supposed to clench tight and never let them go? People come and go in our lives right? Whether alive or dead, why do the exits hurt the same? Loosing someone feels the same as if they died.
My heart is currently hurting right now. Hurting is an understatement. Listening to Adele "Someone like you" rings true to my core. Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead. So very true. It doesn't matter if it's been 20min or 2 yrs, it does not and will not ever change.
So now, you have accepted it to be "it is what it is" and now we are in the coping stage. How do people deal with overcoming an addiction? How does one constantly turn down the constant urge to have a drink when an alcoholic? It requires strength right? Why do I feel so WEAK?! I am not a weak person! I actually think I'm quite strong. Maybe that is a key factor that bothers me in this situation. No matter how I try to convince myself, This time I won't lose control.
After today, I feel like a total weakling. Like it's my fault that I don't have the strength to endure this for the rest of my life. It's my fault for thinking any different. I've caused enough damage and should just disappear off the map. Take down the blog, forget facebook, eliminate as much technology as humanly possible and change my whole lifestyle. I'm being completely serious. You have the ability to read what I'm thinking from time to time, yet in return I get the silent treatment. That's what it is however you want to dice it. I'm networking with friends and family but perhaps I should get a life. Pick up a book, write in my journal old fashion way with a pen vs a keyboard.
I have a feeling our last conversation isn't going to be finished, I know sometimes there is nothing left to say. So if it's left at what it is...
"I've got you under my skin".....

Once - Rascal Flatts

I've never heard this song before and I LOVE Rascal Flatts....amazing lyrics.

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)

Wow. Powerful lyrics.

Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind #7 (With Lyrics)

This song is simply......perfect!!

I hear the waves
Sun beatin' down on my shoulders
It's a near-perfect day
Wishin' I wouldn't get any older
They say that it's gone 'fore you know it now

Quiet your mind
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride

I feel the change
Goin' on all around me
It's strange
How I'm taken and guided
Where I end up right I'm needed to be

Quiet your mind
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride

At the end of the water
A red sun is risin'
And the stars are all goin' away
And if you're too busy talkin'
You're not busy listenin'
To hear what the land has to say

Quiet your mind

I hear the waves
Sun beatin' down on my shoulders
It's a near-perfect day
Wishin' I wouldn't get any older
They say that it's gone 'fore you know it and
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride

A Quick "thank you"

I just have to thank you for making the comment that changed how I think and feel about you. It has made it so much easier on me moving forward you have no idea. It's so much easier to be in a "I'll show you" mood vs. sad & missing you. I don't know why you didn't say it sooner. It's given me the upper hand in letting go. All that wondering, fear of letting go, desire and heart full of love/memories I didn't want to let go..... all seems to be becoming water under the bridge now.

I had a quick relapse last night watching a movie. All I had to do was shut it off, get up off the couch and go do something else.

Viola!

You were right. This is better. Thank you.

Quote

Life never leaves you empty; it always replaces everything you lost. If it asks you to put something down, it’s because it wants you to pick up something better

It's my Party...I can cry if I want to.....cry if I want to

Thankfully the roller coaster ride of tears, tears and more tears came yesterday!

Today has been wonderful and it all started yesterday afternoon....

Dj and I had a counseling appointment which went well yet I feel stupid when our counselor says, "You two are doing great! You're doing everything right, you have the key component of communication" Yet we managed to chat (catch up) for an hour then he asks if we should schedule another appointment or would we like to just call. Meaning, there's really no need for you to come you guys are doing great. Thanks I guess my proactive approach to our chaotic life in front of us was a useless attempt. Whatever, I know where to find him if I need him (I guess).

So Dj & I have the opportunity to grab dinner childless and we take it! We literally drove around midtown trying to figure out what we wanted to eat (I hate that if I had an opportunity I would have or should have just pulled over). Then realized, let's go to Selland's! In our old stomping ground we go to the lil delicatessen and I already had been craving their pepperoni pizza w/ Basil for awhile now so I ordered me a whole pizza! LOL. I also got a side of delicious berries....mmmmm I love berries. =) Dj got a mushroom chicken breast with mashed potatoes and some type of salad. I remember their water was so delicious I'd walk there with Jayden just to guzzle some up when going for our walks around the neighborhood. They have about 6 pitchers of ice water and some of them have orange, lime or lemon sliced in it. It's absolutely the best tasting water I've ever had. So Dj gets 2 pepsi's for dinner and I just fill up 2 cups of free water. LOL

We took to cars to get to our appointment and I drop him off at his car and head back to Elk Grove in rush our 99 traffic at 6pm, yay me! I make it to my mom's by 645 to pick up Jayden to find him in the back yard in a T-shirt and a diaper playing with his water toys and bubbles. The kid loves bubbles. But not just the bubbles, the concept. He likes to take the bubble wand, dip it and blow in attempt to make a bubble. LOL. We bought a lil water gun and he loves to push buttons. As long as it does something (it doesn't even have to) he loves it. He also enjoys turning light switches off since he can't reach to turn them on quite yet. =)

Jayden and I are home by 715 and I had to go pee (6mo prego my bladder is getting smaller and smaller) so I tell Dj and he tells Jayden "Come on let's go in the garage" I didn't think anything of it because they're always playing in there. It's one of Jayden's favorite places to be. I go tinkle and go to find them and there sit Jayden in the baby swing, I giggle, yet behind him is a brand new beautiful perfect purple bike with a purple bow and card attached! HOORAY!! The height, tires, color everything was perfect!! I am so excited and I can't wait for family bike rides! All we gotta do is find a seat for Jayden!! My card was so sweet....my boys did great!!

I grab the card my mom stuck in Jayden's diaper bag before I go to bed and decided to open it early. It was a cute card from my mom and dad and in it was $100 bill and a little drawing on the left hand side of a rocking chair my dad drew. =) I'm assuming that that money is to help with the cost of the new recliner I so desperately want to buy! I can't wait to find one before Lilly comes!

This morning I woke with Jayden at 6am. I love my mornings with him once im up/awake. He is so happy in the morning and so loving. He dances in bed watching Nick Jr., greets his kitties by calling them "meow" and waiving, he plays peek-a boo with his blankies. He's just in a great mood 99% of the time. Fully charged for the day. LOL.

Then it's off to work. I left the house at 745, being bad I stopped at got a donut. yum! And once I reach Franklin there is a sign alerting us of an accident on I-5 at Jst. Dang it. It took me almost 45min to get to work but it wasn't too bad. My mind was drifting off on so many things. LOL I hardly noticed the delay.

I'm here at work and receiving birthday hugs from my staff. Mid morning I get a delivery from Edible Arrangements. A dozen delicious chocolate dipped strawberries from my siter in-law in South Carolina! Awwwwwwwww I love her!!!! I felt so loved. LOL. It was awesome I shared with my coworkers and put the rest in the fridge. =) I'll be taking those bad boys home to share with my lil bad boys at home and eat the rest in bed for dessert. Hahaha! I'm not joking. =)

At lunch my co-workers treated me to pizza & salad buffet. THEN this afternoon they bust out an ice cream cake yell surprise and I told them please don't sing. LOL.

I haven't even left work yet and it has already been an amazing day!! I am so blessed!

Heading home to my boys!!!!!

*****************************************

So the rest of my evening was simply perfect.
Grandma took Jayden.
Took a trip to Toys R us with my honey and went to the Macaroni Grill for dinner
When we went to pick up Jayden he was outside with my mom and dad with the broom pointed up in the air with only a T-shirt, diaper, socks and shoes. LOL He was a BUSY bee!!! Too cute.
Went to pick up my Partylite stuff that came in perfectly on my birthday! =) Wahoo!

Needless to say I had a wonderful birthday and the celebration will continue when we take Jayden to San Francisco for the first time this weekend! So EXCITED!!! =)

Lily at 23wks in the womb

Good Morning my sweet babygirl,
Mommy bought a rather large iced coffee this morning and needed a jump start to her day. I felt that you enjoyed it too, literally giving me the jump start. It is amazing how incredibly strong you are for only being one pound and one foot long. Your somersaults makes my belly stretch and sometimes makes me light headed for 30sec. You sure are getting good at your gymnastics. We're almost 6mo into this pregnancy journey and I'm sure starting to FEEL you in everyway. It's getting harder to get up quickly, my pants still fit but my shirts are feeling tight. My hips ache at night and my bladder seems to be shrinking. My skin is like a desert floor and hair is growing in places that I didn't think was possible. I hate reaching to shave my legs, now I sit on our bathroom counter and shave them in the sink. I have the worst tension headaches as well as in my shoulders. My emotions are sometimes uncontrollable as well as my moods and temper. I sometimes think "I hate this" but as soon as I even think such a thought I quickly remember how much of a "blessing" this all is to feel every ache, pain, stressor, emotion, hormonal inbalance, rage, fear, worry, everything seems to go from negative to positive a within a matter of seconds.

Because in the same breath I can't wait to see your face and kiss your lips, have your hand wrap around my finger. Kiss those sweet baby feet that I will not be able to let go of (ask your brother). I want to just stare at you in the wee hours of the night just because I can. Dress you in all sorts of cute girly outfits that I have been eyeballing for the past decade of wishing. I want to learn how to make all those adorable bows and headbands for you to wear until you grow hair. I want to hold you and rock you to sleep like we briefly were able to do for Jayden until he became too independent so quickly. I want to protect you from harm and give you the biggest loving enviornment any child could ever want. I want to teach you right from wrong while I pull my hair out because it's challenging to teach and even harder to learn. I want to give you nice relaxing baths and to show your silly brother there is nothing to be afraid of. I want to be the best mommy I can be to you and Jayden.

I will always remember that I will do anything and everything to take care of you because I love you with every single inch of my heart and every fiber of my being. My family means more to me than anything else in this world ever could. I can not even begin to describe how happy I am to be Dj's wife and a mommy to you and Jayden. You mean everything to me and everything is you.
I can't wait to meet you my Lily girl.


Love,

Mommy

Shawty got low low low low

I had my endocrinology appointment Thursday. I arrived on time waiting for the MA to call me back and when she did I was escorted to the dreaded scale. I stepped on with out flinching and when I saw the number I wanted to cry! Trying to hold it together to not be an emotional basket case as I walk down the hallway to an exam room. I'm distracted by getting my blood pressure taken (120/72) and my pulse (88) she asked me about my current medications only levoxyl and prenatals and was making some updates etc and the whole time my mind is STUCK on my weight. I was doing sooooooooooooo good being right on target and being so proud of not gaining too much this pregnancy vs last time I gained 50lb!
I had already received a phone call earlier in the week regarding my lab work coming back abnormal. My levels were WHACK! My TSH was at 17.24 and the normal range is 0.34-4.82. When you are "high" you are hypothyroid meaning sluggish. When you are "low" you are actually hyperthyroid feeling jittery and overcompensated. My T4 was somewhat normal so that was good.
My Doc comes in and discusses what happened. I told her that I didn't realize I was taking the wrong dosage until I went to the pharmacy to pick up my refill and they stated they didn't have my rx ready. They confirmed that I needed the 175mcg and I instantly thought, Oh shit! I said yes, knowing that was right, yet grabbed the bottle in my purse and read 150mcg. Damn it! I had been taking the wrong dosage for the past MONTH!!! I get the proper refill and of course realize I've been going to bed between 7-9pm because of my levels were too low, not because im pregnant! Ugh!! She tells me that she needs to adjust my levels again and so now I'm at 400mcg daily. In case you don't know, this is a HUGE jump. 100mcg increase has only happened once in the 6 yrs I've been taking levoxyl. Usually you increase 25 or 50mcg max at a time. So long story short.
I get my blood drawn every 4 wks until Jan
I have my new rx to fill of 200mcg 2x daily
I have my annual thyroid ultrasound to be sched at the end of December
and I have my follow up appt sched for beginning of Jan

TADA!

THEN..........

I have my routine OB appt yesterday. Basically I broke down because I gained too much weight in my eyes. My Dr reassured me that I was doing fine and said our thyroid is like a master cylinder, everything revolves around it working properly. She told me I should feel better in about 2 wks (which I knew) and tried my best to turn off my tears apologizing .  She asked if I needed any FMLA or disability papers filled out until I start to feel better. I thanked her for the offer but told her my boss is out until September so I will have no trouble flexing my schedule as needed.
She then turns the attention to my 20wk ultrasound results. She said everything looked good, and not too worry but she would like to take another look at Lilly's renal pelvis. Ummmm ok. Not to worry, got it. Emotional and hormonal a bit? yes. Not to worry? ok got it. lol. I'm really not worrying but ugh. You know some things just remain in the back of your mind.

So I get to do my 2nd glucose testing in 3 wks (drink the nasty juice and get poked 3x while mandated to sit at the lab for 2 hrs oh joy!)
AND I have a 2nd ultrasound to double check Lilly's kidneys

Meanwhile I'm supposed to just relax until I feel better while chasing Jayden (who's going on 3) and take care of work and home......

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're funny!!!!

SWING batter batter

Let the mood swings begin! Wednesday night I came home and Dj had cleaned the bathroom, picked up our room, vaccumed and hung up our wedding and baby shower picture & signature mat finally! LOL I was completely exhausted yet so happy to hear of all these projects and tasks being completed.
We were all hanging out in the living room discussing what we wanted to do for dinner and all of a sudden when my brother and I mentioned we wanted to keep it simple and make Kabasa and Macaroni & Cheese Dj starts whinning about it. He hates the smell of food lingering through the house. It's one of his pet peeves. Of course turning on the fan above the stove, opening the 4 possible kitchen windows and inserting a fan in one of them to help move the fumes out isn't enough to him. There are few foods that make him go crazy. Kabasa is one of them. He doesn't like to smell it nor eat it. He began to tell me that we are to cook it out on the grill. I'm already annoyed by him and I can't help but spit out "you mean to tell me that you are telling your pregnant wife she can't cook her dinner in the kitchen and she's to go outside in the 95 degree heat and grill it?!" He realized what he was saying and offered to grill it for me but I was already annoyed. In addition we have Jayden running in and out wanting to grill with Daddy because he's obsessed with the BBQ. Once he's done he goes into our room.
Jayden and I are cleaning up the living room while we wait for the mac & cheese to finish. Ryan realizes that I'm frustrated and tells Jayden "Come on Jayden let's go play and give mommy a break" I tell him thank you and continue picking up. Oh forgot to mention I was vaccuming earlier and something got stuck and started to smell burning so I turned it off. I tried fixing it and I got frustrated walked into our room to ask Dj for help and he's wearing headphones. I didn't realize this and I flip the wireless keyboard up to get his attention. It accidently bumps him in the face and he FLIPS out and throws it across the room at our bookshelf (which has our flat screen tv in it). I just stand there in shock and tell him "leave! Go somewhere" He tells me he's not going anywhere and I said fine then I will. I turn off my pot of water on the stove, grab my keys, purse and leave the house immediately starting to cry. I get in my car and just drive. I was so upset by the chain of events I couldn't stop crying. There is so much going on with my brother living there and how Dj deals with it, he's moving out in 2 mo, having bilateral jaw surgery, we're having another baby in November, Dj's injured his hand (latest update could have been fractured the whole time and is now getting an MRI to determine), in fear of loosing his job, Jayden's age is challenging and so much more.
I'm trying to calm down as I drive with tears rolling down my cheeks not knowing where I should go. I drive around the corner to the park by our house and park the car to try and get a grip. Of course the box of kleenex that I usually keep behind my seat ran out and I haven't replaced it so I'm left with 3 napkins I located in the glove compartment. I get a grip and I start driving, crying with control what ever that is. I get on the freeway thinking I'll go downtown then realize that's a lot of traffic coming back (it's 6pm). So I get off at Mack Rd and head south back towards EG. I pass the furniture by Costco wanting to stop. I lift my sunglasses and look in my rear view mirror and decide there ain't no way I'm going inside any store looking like this! My eyes look like I just smoked an ounce I look LIT! So I keep driving. Wanting to talk I text Brie (forgot my phone at home I used my wk cell). No response (for awhile), I text my mom asking her if she ate dinner yet. I didn't want to show up on my parents doorstep crying involving them. I ended up going to check out I made it (paint your own pottery studio on E Stockton Blvd) I've been wanting to go in there for a while. I finally made it in and turns out one of the ladies that works there is a friend from high schools mom. It was just what I needed, a distracted conversation and to look at my old hobby that made me happy! I LOVED to paint pottery. I am defintely going back and making a family plate with all our hands on it. =) Maybe I'll start now and just add her hand when she gets here then fire it and it will be done! =)
I met my mom for yogurt afterwards, now that I'm in control of my emotions and we chat about all sorts of stuff. My dad even tracked us down and joined us.
I left feeling better, yet I was hungry! So I go to Osaka Sushi and get my favorite sushi roll and boy was it delish. I was actually nice and called Dj asking if he wanted to join me (it being 8pm) he said he was going to bed (he had to be up at 4am for work) I said ok and enjoyed my roll all alone (no really it was nice).
I come home and 30min later and he's still awake. I'm instantly peeved because he said he was going to bed. We don't talk and I go to bed mad. I hate doing that I want to punch him, whack him with a pillow or kick him off the bed in his sleep when I go to bed angry. UGH!

Carrie Underwood - I Told You So

Dedicated to you.

Wow. I loved this song when it came out. Now it brings on a whole new meaning.

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

Just so you know...

To block or not to block

I've recently wanted to make my blog private. There is one reader that I would like to block, however, only being a public reader I can't do that.

THEN I discovered the Stats tab. Holy crap! I thought that I was making this blog thinking  I'd only have a few followers and it's for myself anyway so whatever.

Did you know that I've had over 500 people read my blog since I've started?! DANG! That may seem like nothing to some of you major bloggers out there but to lil ole me that's pretty cool!! I can see what Countries are reading my blog, such as Malaysia, India, Germany, South Africa. I can see where they are reading from such as Browsers or Operating Systems. I know if Fire Fox or Internet Explorer is being used for example. Also, if you are using your Android, Windows phones or an ipad! How awesome is that???

I know someone is thinking, can you tell if it's me? No I can't. But I'm debating keeping in public vs private.

To be determined...

Salt on an open wound...again and again

This song can be disected into more ways then one.
 
"You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here
And when I close my eyes I see you

No matter where I am

*       *        *         *


I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then"


So many interpretations...

Annoyed Part II

Today's a brand new day......filled with brand new bullshit. Happy Wednesday.

You seriously couldn't have done this, again, at a more horrible time. Shame on me for letting my guard down. Amazing how quickly I felt so "safe" again. Knowing nothing was for certain but I've learned from this myself too. I've learned not to trust you. That the words that you say don't match in your actions. I know that sounds like a hypocrite, but it is what it is. I feel like it's a total copout. That your running away from yourself and not me. Your in fear and that's what puts the fire under your ass to keep moving and bouncing along in life. It appears that you forgot who YOU were talking to. Guess I'm stronger than you in that aspect. No pact, agreement needed. There are always possibilites in life. Keep yourself away from the danger.

This time it's permanent. NEVER to be heard from again.

"..if we can make it through the landslide standing, we'll lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon.."

Annoyed

It sucks when you completely realize you are reacting to something that you shouldn't be. When someone tells you something, that has nothing to do with you. Why do you flinch? Why do you care? Why do you find yourself pondering and reflecting over something that is no longer your concern nor should it bother you in the first place. Not having any right to feel that way BUT YOU DO.

Then you can't help but be sassy. Throw in a remark that you don't mean but can't hold your tongue not to "say" it.

Blaming my hormones would just be opting out. It would be too easy to say that's why I feel the way that I do. Yet sometimes, things just bug you. End of story. Right?

Today I have had the mindset of being a better day then yesterday. For the most part it has been. I can't lie it really has been better. Yet I know I'm easily flustered and that's what I'm going to "chop it up to" that is all.

P.S. If my BFF moves to Japan for 3 yrs I am seriously going to.....breath....I don't know for sure yet.

P.P.S And I get called out on my sassy mouth?!?! LOL love it.

Hopes Up....fail

So today was our 20wk ultrasound appointment. I scheduled it a month ago. Dj and I had our gender ultrasound at 17wks so he told me after I had invited Julianna that he was going to go to work so he didn't miss any time and that her and I could go. He said I just saw the baby a few weeks ago. I was ok with that.
So the time comes and Dj was taken off work for 2 wks because he has some kind of tendonitis. He's in a splint and in so much pain he's on Norco and motrin. =( Anyhow, I ask him if he wanted to go work not being an issue now. Originally he said, it's ok you two girls can go. Which I didn't think very much about it then realized how much it bothered me. When I asked him again he said sure I'll go. I thought, good answer. LOL
So we leave at 715am to go pick up Ju downtown and head out to Roseville. I originally had my appt scheduled in Elk Grove but ran into an old co-worker who is now the Supervisor over the Imaging locations and she encouraged me to go because they have new 3D equipment. "I could see more of the baby for free" I thought win win right?
haha....ya right
We get to Roseville a little early stop at starbucks and head over to the Imaging office. I check in 5min early and they ask me did you drink your water? I said, no (remembering the instructions from when I used to work in Imaging) they didn't tell me! Honest!! Ugh so now I get to guzzle four 8oz cups of water. I do so. Drinking cold water is my favorite anyway. I wait about 10min and I'm called back. I have Dj & Ju follow me. I say Good Morning to the ultrasound tech at the door, she does not introduce herself to me (according to Sutter scripting you are to introduce yourself, she fails). We go back to the room I lay on the exam table unbutton my jeans and wiggle them down so my belly is exposed. At this point the tech is not saying much but I already get the vibe that she isn't very friendly. I tell her my friend has never seen an ultrasound before. She replies, "me either". haha we giggle. Yet when she started the ultrasound she tells me, "I understand you didn't drink your water so lets see how full it is and we can go from there. Ok so she checks, "it's not as full as I'd like it to be so I'm going to go ahead and take all these measurments, there's about 40 here and then I'll turn the screen and we can take a look at the baby." I thought ok, I was able to see the screen when I had Jayden's ultrasound but whatever. I'm really trying to not snap at her because for one, I'm an employee and already feel that I'm not receiving great patient care two, as a patient I'm not satisfied, and three, I'm a hormonal, emotional pregnant woman i'm trying not to sit up and slap her across her face. I was so disappointed!!
I laid there for almost 30min and had to tilt my head up awkwardly to be able to see the screen!! I'm glad Julianna saw it all. She tried asking a question like when the tech typed AR on the screen she wanted to know what that meant. The tech responded, "Abdominal radius" with the attitude of "can't you see that" . Look bitch, WE are not the technicians here. WE do not know exactly what we are looking at!
I told her my favorite part was being able to hear the heartbeat. I asked her if we would be able to hear it and she shakes her head no. I waited for a reason to her answer......and then she says we aren't sure with this equipment if there are any effects to the baby so we don't use the sound waves.
THEN I asked can we have a 3D sneak peek? ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I DROVE ALL THE WAY TO ROSEVILLE....she tells me, "you don't have the greatest conditions (forget the word she said) to do it. There isn't enough fluid." We were all like, uhhhhhh, what do you mean?!?!? Dj finally asked,"is that because her bladder isn't full?" And she says, "no she's up against the wall and there isn't any fluid in between. plus her hands will get in the way" I didn't say anything because obviously I'm not the professional yet I totally felt like I was being lied to! I was thinking to myself I had a 3D pic of Jayden all with hands next to his face it doesn't make a difference!!
So she wraps up what she needs to capture and says lets have a look at that bladder. She pressed so hard on my pelvic bone I almost jumped off the table in a V shape position and smacked her out of auto reaction! OUCH!! What the hell is your problem? Do you not know how to locate a bladder? It's definitely NOT under that thing that feels like a rock called my BONE!! After she was done I wiped my belly and went to the restroom to empty my FULL bladder (thank you). Dj and Ju asked if everything was ok and the tech says "Oh im just the ultrasound tech, I just take the pictures, you'll have to wait for the radiologist to let the dr know if anything is wrong. Plus if anything were wrong, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell you" WTF?!
I left deeply disappointed.
So as I'm trying not to cry while driving because now I'm thinking, shit what if there IS something wrong and I don't know it yet. =(

LUCKILY, I have online access to my medical records and I got an email notification saying I had a message. I log on and my Nurse Practitioner sent me an email saying "Hi Christy, Ultrasound looks great! Be Well ~Robyn" I was so relieved! I thought I would have to wait a couple days for the results but I finally felt I was receiving the patient care I knew I should have this morning. THEN I walked over to my old office asked if the ultrasound techs were busy (they weren't), swiped my badge and walked to the back to ask my old co-worker a ultrasound technician, if all what I was told this morning was accurate. For the most part, I can scratch the feeling of being lied to off my list. Yet, the overall experience...FAIL!!!!!

Tomorrow is a brand new day! Tuesday in Natomas, I enjoy my commute. =)

I ain't settling

Lilly and I rocked out to one of mommy's old favorites this morning on our way to work! I used to sing my heart out to this song

I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything

There always seemed to be something missing growing up. I never knew what it was...so I could never really answer the question, "what do you want?" I know there was more than one person frustrated trying to understand what it is I was looking for. To this day, I can't pinpoint what was missing that kept me searching.

All I know is that I feel fulfilled. Getting married didn't even give me the awarding feeling that I have now. I am amazed that I am married with a son and a daughter on the way. It blows me away where I am in life. I have a good job that I enjoy and have been here for 7 1/2 yrs. In today's economy I am extremely greatful to be so lucky to work for such an admirable organization that takes such wonderful care of their employees. Our pensions are FULLY funded. It's almost unheard of these days with all that is happening.

I have had a baby! Something that I have wanted for sooooooooooooooooo long. I didn't dream of my wedding like most girls. I was waiting since 13 to be old enough to have a baby of my own. Now that Jayden is here, I believe that is where my completeness comes from. Words can not describe how incredibly thankful I am for the amazing gift of bearing a child, and I've been blessed a 2nd time. With a daughter, that up until I had a boy I thought would be my dream come true. However, Jayden is amazing, and I am beyond happy to have any baby that is healthy regardless of gender. I haven't even had baby #2 yet and I'm already desiring a 3rd. LOL. I have several friends that struggle with this and my heart and prayers go out to them.
Life has never seemed so......BLESSED!

1st Perfect Summer Memory

Today wasn't much of anything exciting, yet it was in the end the perfect day.

Jayden and I went to the Farmer's Market downtown and got some yummy fruits and mommy bought herself some pretty flowers.

Daddy worked on his pop up tent trailer while Jayden helped. He LOVES to be in the garage with Daddy. Oh my is he going to be quite the little helper soon enough.

After his 2nd nap we went back out front to hang out with Daddy. Put some water in his new toys and he had a ball!! The diaper soon came off...we'll be sure to start in the backyard next time. LOL

New toys!

We even were able to bring them into the bath tub and for the 1st time in 7 mo Jayden didn't cry while taking a bath by himself!!!!!!!!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

If you only knew

If you only knew your bitchy ass text sent me into tears. If you only knew I've been hurt by your actions for months. If you only knew how much I truly needed a friend. If you only knew how upset I've really been the past several months. If you only took the time to listen. If only you took the time to ask. If only you took the time to understand.

Lately it feels like it's been all about you. About your life. About your feelings. About your busy schedule. About, about, about. I get it. I really do. I too have been on the other side. Burned someone I loved and learned my lesson. Maybe this is my turn to be burned. If so, I've had enough.

Time to redirect. I've found someone else. More than one, and I'll continue to find more and more. Keeping my guard up because of course, in life, the people you love the most disappoint you. I get it, I get it. Lesson learned. In more ways then one.

Cryin' For Me (Wayman's Song)

Doesn't even have to be about death does it....

Tim McGraw - Please Remember Me

I can't believe I either have truly forgotten about this song or I don't remember ever hearing it before!! Now this speaks straight to the heart....doesn't it?

Frustrated!

Do you ever feel like a friendship is one sided? That YOU are always the one reaching out? YOU are always saying "hello" or asking to hang out? Even AFTER you've already said something over 2 weeks ago?! CLEARLY said something! Well I've been here before but now it's a double whammy. It's BS really and I'm going to quit and direct my attention else where. Like the GYM! LOL

Done for now!

Haircut

I got a new do & love it!!

Love the layers~
Sassy, sexy & flirty!! Love it!

Craig Campbell - "Family Man" Official Music Video

Tears to my eyes. Pretty soon that will be me holding a newborn again and having a toddler run and play in the yard. =)

Sara Evans - I Could Not Ask For More

Don't get it twisted...this is REAL

Remember by Disturbed (lyrics)

Wow! Another old favorite from yearssss ago & it's so crazy how lyrics change in meaning over time.

Crossfade - So far away

Funny how I've always loved this song yet the lyrics become more relevant as time passes...

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

This song is so powerful & they made quite the video. Her voice is what attracted me to the song but the more I listened the more I fell in love with it.

Martina McBride - Anyway

One of my all time favorites!

Kid Rock - Picture ft. Sheryl Crow [Official Video]

Opened my Eyes

You're so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing

They say be afraid
You're not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don't understand you

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I'm ready to go
Lead me into the light


Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you're an alien
Your touch are foreign
It's supernatural
Extraterrestrial

Your so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes

Skadoosh

It's been a long while until the fighter inside me has surfaced to conquer my challenges. I haven't had any bad days in quite some time when it comes to challenging days and emotions. I may not be personally affected but when it comes to my child, my husband, my best friend, etc...they're lives are within myself to an extent. Their challenges are mine too, their tears are shared, frustration is mutual. So when I'm driving home today and I turn on 102.5 or 103.5 looking for some old jams to make me feel better you know something is wrong! LMAO!! My everyday country jams are feel good music. It's not a I'm pumped up and country music matches it. If I'm mad or riled up it's either old school rap or rock. 98.5 was a commercial so.... my rap won. And when I'm in a funk the music is LOUD. I realized today that one of the reasons why I don't like working in Elk Grove is because I don't have a commute. That commute is a part of my sanity!! It's the only ME time I get!! I haven't had it for 2 months now and it's definitely something I want back!! I can't function with out my music time. Forget me time I need time to browse the radio, listen to a CD, and DRIVE! If the only time I can get that is on the way to work SO BE IT. Now I realize I don't mind commuting one bit. It's a piece of me that stimulates the soul. LOL. I had it back today and I am so thankful for that 30min ea way. It's a perfect amount of time. Now Im going to dive into my brother's music collection and start burning some CD's! After I finish cleaning up some of the house. At least I've started! I've put it off almost all week!

On another note my honey bought me a new BBQ! What what!?! Oh yes I'ma be a grillin machine!!!!! So happy I love to bbq =) just in time for summer! Now all I need is new patio furniture!!! =)

One word

Ok Ashley I'ma try it...

1. Where is your cell phone?
desk
2. Your most significant other?
working
3. Your hair?
up
4. Your mother?
home
5. Your Father?
home
6. Your favorite?
Jayden
7. Your dream last night?
CRAZY
8. Your favorite drink?
Snapple Tea
9. Your dream/goal?
skinny
10. What room you are in?
Living
11. Your hobby?
Family
12. Your fear?
Fire
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
homeowner
14. Where were you last night?
Venting
15. Something that you aren't?
Weak
16. Muffins?
blueberry
17. Wish list item?
VACATION
18. Where you grew up?
elk grove
19. Last thing you did?
bedtime
20. What are you wearing?
work
21. Your TV?
off
22. Your pets?
2
23. Friends?
Distant
24. Your life?
Perfection
25. Your mood?
Fiesty!
26. Missing someone?
Always
27. One place that I go to over and over?
SD (San Diego)
28. Something you want?
Unobtainable
29. Your favorite store?
target
30. Your favorite color?
Green

Two lives move on...

I've finally made it. I think the worst is behind me. The last 8 wks have been BRUTAL. I didn't think it could last so long or be so rough. On top of that I had the flu last week to the point of almost being hospitalized for dehydration. I couldn't take care of Jayden and didn't see him for 3 days. It was awful all around. The next weekend we bought our new bed and it is the highlight of my day crawling into bed at night in a brand new bed, new sheets, new everything where you can just melt and literally let out a "ahhhhh" never felt so good. Now I feel like my bed is so high. I slide off my bed vs stand up from an L shape position sitting on my bed previously. LOL. This weekend is a 3 day weekend and I am really looking forward to it!! Finally feeling better and ready to have some fun!! Brother is house sitting for 2 weeks so we have the house truly to ourselves =)

Phase 2 here we go!

I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it

By Rihanna

Feels so good being bad
There’s no way I’m turning back
Now the pain is my pleasure
Cause nothing could measure

Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, out of line
The affliction of the feeling
Leaves me wanting more

[Chorus x2:]
Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me

Na na na na
Come on
Come on
Come on
I like it
Like it
Come on
Come on
Come on
I like it
Like it
Come on
Come on
Come on
I like it
Like it
Come on
Come on
Come on
I like it
Like it

Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, out of line
The affliction of the feeling
Leaves me wanting more

[Chorus:]
Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me

Na na na na
Come on

Addiction

Addicted to you by Saving Abel

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When your going down on me
In between the sheets
All the sounds you make
With every breath you take
Its unlike anything
when you're loving me

oh girl lets take it slow
so as for you well you know where to go
i want to take my love and hate you till the end

its not like you to turn away
from all the bullshit i cant take
it's not like me to walk away

i'm so addicted to all the things
you do when your going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make with every breathe you take
its unlike anything
when you're loving me

yeahh

i know when it's getting rough
all the times we spend
when we try to make
this love something better than
just making love again
its not like you to turn away
all the bullshit i cant take
just when i think i can walk away,

i'm so addicted to all the things
you do when your going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make
with every breathe you take
its unlike anything

i'm so addicted to the things you do
when your going down on me
all the sounds you make with every breath you take
its unlike anything when you're loving me
when you're loving me

i cannot make it through
all the things you do
theres just got to be more to you and me

i'm so addicted to all the things you do
when your going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make with every breath you take
its unlike anything
its unlike anything

i'm so addicted to
all the things you do
when your going down on me

all the sounds you make with every breath
you take its unlike anything
i'm so addicted to you
addicted to you

Angry

Why does it seem that when you reach out to say hello to someone, they initially are happy to hear from you? Yet, it quickly dies, like it never started. I get it. I really do. Maybe it's just because I'm angry at myself, allowing a moment of weakness to shine a false since of giddy. There's no way around it. It will always be there even if all were to be deleted. Some memories never fade, nor do the feelings associated. Despite the change in routes, you can't run from it. Even if I lived in another country for 20yrs, it wouldn't change. It's been years already, it hasn't changed. It never will, but go ahead and live in denial. Safer for you anyway.

Take for granted

I realize that I take for granted the fact that I have people in my life that I can give a big hug, kiss them on the cheek, look into their eyes and tell them that I love them. Some people in my life I can't...I wish I could.