Thursday, October 20, 2011

Kaiser BLEEPING sucks!

My brother had his jaw surgery today.

I still can't fathom how incompetent his nurse was/is.

When he came into recovery he was given (all which was allowed/Dr was to order), no water,  no xanax, no pain meds, she smacked her gum while jerking him around. He couldn't speak when he tried to say "Help, help, help" Pain level was at a 9. No Vaseline for his lips, he can't lick them. Nose starts to bleed, can't blow his nose, supposed to use q-tips and there are none. Nurse eventually gives him water and sets the container down, he can't drink through a cup or straw it needs to be put into a syringe left to do so on his own. Using ice packs that were NOT sufficient. They need to be ICE cold for his face at all times, they were the ones you put ice and water in, it took too long to become cold. Unbelieveable.

Yet the "kid" two doors down had the same surgery 4 hrs before my brother and was sitting up in his bed eating jello with his ice packs properly wrapped around his head. WTF?!

I hate Kaiser.

With a passion.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I still do...

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses, and still thinks you are amazing.

Puts a whole new meaning on the "phrase" doesn't it???

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.




A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they c...ome into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you.



A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Food for thought

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" ♥

Thank you


Thanks to those who loved me,
you made my heart grow fonder.

Thanks to those who cared,
you made me feel important.

Thanks to those who entered into my life,
You made me who I am today.

Thanks to those who left,
you showed me nothing lasts forever.

Thanks to those who stayed,
you showed me true friendship.

Thanks to those who listened,
you made me feel like I was worth it.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Frankie J - Obsesion (No Es Amor)



I love it when people never respond to texts messages. Just to at least give a conclusion, an ending, something.

Leads to a minor obsession....which THAT leads to being out of proportion. Have you ever experienced an obsession? I think you might have, I'd ask to be "released from this obsession" but I already know that will only initiate a cold, rude, mean text that I don't want. So I guess being ignored or receiving the silence is better in a sense.

Today was actually a better day. It was a lazy Sunday and started a little rocky, but turned out to be a really good day. Even understanding the one person that has no obligation to listen what so ever, disappointed me. Doesn't matter that they did. No obligation what so ever to make it better, change the facts, nor even look back in my direction. I don't matter, that is the one thing I do know and understand. What I don't understand is everything that I held "holy" is crumbling. Images that I thought still stood true are dissipating right before my eyes. Perhaps that is what I need. It's as if the "pedastool" is being yanked out from underneath you. You aren't the person that I remembered you as. Yes, people change. Yes, it's ok to become different. Yet, let's put it this way. Initially, you looked amazing...yet now, I have the absolute worst bitter taste in my mouth and all I can do is spit you out.

Are you thinking, wow this is just drama you didn't need? Well lets put it this way, I maybe almost 9mo pregnant and emotional and hormonal which is perhaps where the base of this is steming from...but you are NOT innocent. It only took 48hrs to know exactly how she feels....so what's your excuse?

Just keeps getting "better and better"

Last night was crazy. Just when you think you've had enough and can't take any more....BAM. Literally. Night time always seems to be harder. The past 2 nights have been the most challenging yet, easiest at the same time. Weird how that happens. But the past week has been by far the worst.
Go figure, it was my first week off work and shit hit the fan. Letting all the work stress go, keeping up with Jayden, DJ working like crazy (like usual) yet we've been arguing, plus keeping up with household chores, my brother having jaw surgery in 3 days, my dad.....I can't even speak on that. Then you add myself. I'm 8 1/2 mo pregnant. I am on disability due to pregnancy, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and anxiety. The pregnancy in itself is the most challenging I have dealt with internally. With it comes SO MANY symptoms. One small thing people seem to forget is emotions, hormones (which I'm already off balance with thyroid), and sensitivity.

Is it fair to treat a damn near 9mo pregnant woman as if she was "normal"? I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm just asking for you to be a little more AWARE that I AM TRYING my absolute BEST to maintain control. What grasp I can actually hold on to....

Yet the moment something bothers me, upsets me, hurts my feelings etc, I'M THE ONE who is in the wrong. I'm being ridiculous. I'm crazy. I'm.....whatever. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel???? My feelings aren't validated therefore what I'm feeling must be absolutely absurd. I can't possibly feel like this. Makes me feel incredibly stupid..

I'm having such a hard time because I DO NOT like to feel like I'm whining! I'm not a whiner. I HATE feeling like this. I hate not being able to SHAKE these feelings off. I can't do what I want. I can't do so many things and it frustrates me. I can't just relax, yet I don't have the energy to do anything. Which is NOT me. This last trimester is kicking my ass!!

I have tried to open up to and talk a little about it yet I continue to get blown off. Just reinforces everything I'm comfortable with.....suppressing it all. We all have our own problems right? No one wants to hear about others? Therefore, I'm just not going to talk about it. I'm going to try my hardest to pretend nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

So that's it. Power of positive thinking...or denial which ever deemed appropriate. =)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind #7 (With Lyrics)


Can't sleep. Thought this song would help... eh not so much.

Now I'm hot and restless. I am sitting outside in my backyard on the cool pavement because I.....
the cold, cold pavement feels good on my skin. I don't want to stand and take another shower and I'm too hot for a bath...I think an adivan is a must right now.

I had a good night. A good time with Jayden and a good time AWAY from home. I'm almost done with this pregnancy I just need to hang on, but I am SO DONE. Slaps me with the reality of how dependent I am on substances when times get tough. No one likes to be sober, of course. Yet when you have NO choice but to remain sober it's a different reality in which you face moving forward.

I'm glad I didn't get into my drama tonight. Yes, perhaps I mentioned 1 or 2 things, but that was just the sprinkles on the sundae. Why do I default to supressing it all? Oh that's right, because no one fucking understands me or "it". It is SO frustrating to continue to explain over and over again the why's, etc. I don't need to be judged, I don't need random comments made about my family either. I just want to be heard and understood. Silly me, I walked away from the only other person who got me besides my mother (even that is limited). What the hell was I thinking?

Can't rewind and you can't fast forward. You can only grasp and form the present into what you want it to be and what you can make of it.

"Soak it all in, it's a game you can't win, enjoy the ride...."

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Missing Someone

"Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something & wishing they we're right there by your side"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

No Clue

Last night I was in tears 3x due to your words.
Tonight, isn't looking any brighter. I am so beyond frustrated and all you can do is focus on yourdemanding job that frustrates you. So I'm supposed to stroke your back and tell you I'm sorry you have a boss that is so unorganized and likes to dip into the fund for the fleet and not maintain his trucks for his employees so now ALL OF THEM are broken! I told you to go above him, or go to HR, it's not about him being a sorry ass manager now it's been about your safety for quite sometime. You come home in a foul ass mood and treat me like shit because of how your long day went. Today you got stranded because the truck broke down and there was fuel everywhere, all over the engine. Ummmm hello you're lucky it didn't explode in your face and you didn't die (yes I'm aware I'm exaggerating)! Is it just me or can you not see the SAFETY concerns here??
I am not a high maintenance woman. I do not complain. I do not give you a hard time because your job requires you to be away from your family more than you are home with us. I do not tell you that something has to change. I do not tell you that I'm lonely. I do not tell you that I'm stressed. I do not tell you that I'm frustrated. I do not tell you because I do not want to add to your plate.
What I do tell you is through tears when you consistantly hurt my feelings because YOU'RE frustrated. I do tell you that I miss you. I do tell you when you have hurt my feelings.
Yet, 3x this week you've damn near had a melt down on me because you came home and were having a bad night. Last night you told me that I do something everyday that irratates you. Do have any idea how heartbreaking that is to your 8mo pregnant wife who is on disability due to her pregnancy, with anxiety and history of high blood pressure and stress??? Do you honestly think the ONLY stress has been work? NO! I'm stressed in every aspect yet you can't pull your head out of your own ass to realize that you aren't the only one that is stressed!!! I'm trying to be supportive to you and I'm not sure what else I could possibly do for you. Yet, I haven't received a damn thing from you and I'm the one pregnant.

MEN CAN BE SUCH IDIOTS SOMETIMES I SWEAR!!!!!!

Still has not clue, even attempting to tell him. Nothing. When I speak, he feels that I'm giving him a guilt trip. That's NOT my fault! I'm not speaking rudely at all! That's his own issue he needs to get passed. Therefeore, I'm unable to communicate to him where I'm coming from because he just feels guilty when I tell him. WTF is that about ?!??!?!

This is some bullshit. All I can do is cry and I feel my blood boiling.

At this point I'd rather be ALONE!!! (Meaning just go away so I don't have to deal with this bullshit!)

Lauren Alaina - Like My Mother Does



Love this song!!!!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Wait....it gets better

Saturday I stubbornly thought I was feeling a little better so I go to my mom's since DJ got called into work and had to go to Fresno at 6am. Jayden, my mom and I go to the Giant Pumpkin Festival at Elk Grove Park. We walk from my parents house and we walk all the way around the pond. I had to stop and sit 2x just cause I needed to rest my back. We come home and I realized I probably did too much by going.

THEN Sunday comes along. I wake up at 630 with Jayden, go back to bed at 830 woke up at 11, went back to bed at 1 woke up at 330. Took a shower at 430 and went back to bed not having any energy what so ever. I then realized at 530 I hadn't felt the baby move very much all day. I probably felt her 4x total. So I text Brie and she tells me call the nurse. I'm like eh....ya....ok fine. I call the RN and the RN pages the on call Dr. The on call Dr tells me to eat or drink something sugary lay on my side and try and count 10 movements in an hour. If I don't then I can (not should) go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital for monitoring. I thankfully got some movement within an hour and passed out. I had everyone worried because I didn't give them an update before I fell asleep. =( Whoops.

So now, today is monday....and I'm ready to go back to bed! I'm calling my boss to let him know and will go in later. I feel like crap!!