Scared shitless

So tonight we are sitting in our front yard for a change enjoying the weather and Jayden is playing with his toys. We've been out there almost an hour and we are not on a busy street so there is no real danger of him being on the sidewalk.
However, on of the daycare kids is being picked up (which is 2 doors down from us, we're on the curve so it's adjacent to us) and the little boy yells out "Bye Jayden!" Jayden instantly gets excited and runs into the street towards the little boy smiling. I am sitting on the front lawn and LEAP up so damn fast I thought I was literally flying. I grab his arm and pick him up because I heard a car coming yet my Jeep in our drive way blocked my view partially. THANK GOD the man saw him and slowed down. I freaked. My heart was racing so fast and Dj had gone in the house and didn't see it happen.
Why can't my life just be dull and boring? Seriously?
NOW, my pelvis hurts so bad it hurts to stand and walk and am feeling popping sensations along my sides. I'm definitely SORE, ya'll have know idea how fast I was flying. I came in the house and laid on my bed and started to cry. I hurt instantly and my heart was racing. IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!! =(
Taking tylenol and going to bed.
I'm definitely not in good shape. Haven't recouped from my last set of symptoms now I'm adding to the plate.
Seriously wish I had an uneventful life.

OMG

I'm having some serious issues breathing, standing, sitting, laying down....freaking out.

Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind #7 (With Lyrics)

Join me. TURN IT UP!!!!! You won't regret it.

Can it get any worse?!

Day 2 of no communication...

I impulsively sent this text:
"What did I do to deserve this? I didn't talk to you Mon night because I was HURT when you told me I was getting on your nerves before you went into Subway. Now I'm the one suffering, for what?"
"Because you think it's fun to play mind games with your already suffering pregnant wife?" Obviously I was mad.
I got no response.
2 hrs later.....
I get "working late" I wanted to say something rude and sassy but I didn't. I didn't respond.
Then it got the best of me and I sent an hour later....
"This is all HORSE SHIT. Can we please stop? All I do is cry and I'm tired!"
No response. He called 2 hrs later (1st time) and the call was dropped.
Then I get this:
"You don't understand. I'm BEYOND frustrated and annoyed with work. I feel like no matter what I do I can't please anyone. You never once called me yesterday so I guess you were mad. You make everything about you. When was the last time you called me or held me in bed or kissed my forehead I'm doing everything I can and it seems not enough. I'm sick and tired of fighting and arguing. I'm not going to put up with this shit anymore."

Ouch. I understand he's not the only one that has a lot on his plate and his work is frustrating. But he's so involved with his job that I am the last one on his list. Which I get. I haven't complained. The only reason he throws it being about me is because I am NOT interested in being intimate with him. Too much going on and I told him that he hasn't even LOOKED at me like that and is asking for it all. So I then respond with you haven't touched me, caressed me, looked at me, hugged me, kissed me, held me nothing for months. So I'm angry when he comes to me wanting intimacy. It's like warming up an ice cube. PLUS I'm pregnant! Sex is not comfortable! Not to mention how unattractive I feel, I can't breathe lol, etc. So now it's my fault that he's giving me the silent treatment? Because I need to be more sensitive to his needs??? Which ya'll don't even understand how willing and accepting I have been this whole time. NOW when I am struggling to the deepest core inside my body, it's all about me? That hurts my feelings too because everything I have done is not acknowledged either!

All I replied with was "I FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO"

Ready for this? I get "Let's separate for awhile then. I don't know what else to do"

You're seriously going to leave your almost 8 month pregnant wife because you can't handle it anymore???
Why don't you just take a knife to my heart? This is the 3rd or 4th comment that has really hurt my feelings.

So by now I'm pissed and can't hold my tongue.
I send "NO. YOU NEED TO QUIT WITH THE MIND GAMES. DROP THE BULLSHIT AND TALK TO ME. I'M ON YOUR SIDE AND I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING"

"I'll talk to you later about this" is the last I've heard.........

I really really hope that we can actually talk tonight. Geez. We can't continue like this. I know I CANT CONTINUE like this.......

I'm ready to break in every aspect. =( We we're fine up until monday....what the hell.
*************************
Update:
We finally had the chance to talk. Once he dropped the bull shit "I assumed you were mad" and quit blaming his actions on me he told me how he felt. Basically overwhelmed, which I am too! No reason to shut me out and tell me you're going to go stay the night in a hotel because you don't want to come home. If anyone should be staying the night in a hotel it should be ME! HAHA =) wink.

I told him shit is about to hit the fan in the sense of demand and hard work coming our way. We have work, Jayden and will have our newborn in addition to life, housework, cleaning, car repairs, bills, etc. It's going to be hard but we're a team and we can't break now! We 've been doing really well communicating. I just think we are both on overload right now. On that note I'm go take a bath or something try and relax. My feet hurt.

Silent Treatment

So last night I got into an argument with Dj because I was trying to explain to him how much is on my plate and why I am so stressed out giving him reason to my Doctor wanting to take me off work so early. As we were talking it started to get heated, mind you I am driving and Jayden is with us so I'm not trying to argue in front of him. Dj starts to get frustrated and states he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what I want him to do about his long hours at work etc. I calmly told him I've never once complained, asked you to do something about it nor have I ever ever blamed you. All I was simply trying to say was that I HAVE A LOT GOING ON. I'm thinking, how hard is this to comprehend? Really? Instead, he makes the comment "you are really starting to irritate me" .........are you freaking kidding me??? You really tell your already emotional pregnant wife that I'm getting on your nerves?? My blood instantly boiled, but I didn't react and I didn't respond. Not a single word. Probably because all my efforts were focusing on NOT crying and parking the car (we were going to subway). So I shut down. I was so hurt that he said that to me AND that it felt like it was all about him!! I am not the one to be high maintenance, nor ask for a lot, I'm pretty self sufficient and independent. So the LITTLE support and understanding that I was seeking was/is no where to be found.

I had plans to go to Julianna's and help her with her campaign project. There were handful of people going, whom I've never met. She was rewarding our efforts of helping her with pizza and wine. I figured it would be a good escape after the day I had yesterday so I pulled up the driveway, opened the garage and waited for Dj to get out and grab Jayden and I took off. I made it all the way to Jst before I read his text about " I work 10-12hr days I come home and shower, feed Jayden, lay him down and by then it's time to go to bed. What am I supposed to do?" Which made me instantly cry. First of all, that's NOT true. He's not home until maybe an hr before Jayden's bedtime. Everything is DONE by the time he gets home. Second, Jayden goes to bed at 7, are you telling me there is no time left to visit with your wife?? I only responded with "I guess your pregnant wife doesn't fit in your daily schedule. " I almost didn't make it to Julianna's because I couldn't refrain from crying. I thankfully was able to suck it up and go in. I checked my phone maybe an hour after I got there seeing I had 2 texts one stating "hello this isn't over" which did not sit with me well. Leave me alone. So when I came home at 830, yes, I was still upset and had nothing to say to him. I went to bed with out speaking to him. Told him to just leave me alone.
So today. I have not heard from him all day. Usually I get a 730am good morning call. Nope. A few calls through out the day. Nope. I come home early from work being exhausted I wanted to take a nap before I had to go get Jayden. I didn't know he was home, he was in the shower when I got home. I didn't acknowledge him I just went to lay down. Attempting to get some rest. I don't think he realized I was home at first. Then he finally realized it, and I think he was trying to be nice and clean up. I heard the vacuum and the load of laundry being started. I thought that's nice, but why on the one day I come home and want it to be quiet you're going to be nice and clean and be LOUD. He walked into our room 3x in 30min as I was trying to sleep, that was AFTER he shut the door loudly 2x. I asked him what he was doing and he ignored me. So finally I got up and locked the door and turned on the fan. Needless to say I was not able to sleep. I got up once I heard Jayden screaming in the kitchen, Dj had picked him up and was feeding him dinner. He still wasn't talking to me nor even looking in my direction so I just sat there. Played with Jayden, went to my room. I tried talking to him and he tells me "I have nothing to say to you" So I picked up my purse put on my shoes and left. Where am I going to go? I have no friends. I have a husband that is giving me the silent treatment WHEN I'm the one who was originally upset!!
I tried going to the pharmacy to pick up my rx but there was a line and it wasn't moving. I tried going to get a pedicure but there was a gas leak smell and I knew if I stayed it would bother me, yet alone be healthy for me to breathe! So I left. I ended up at my parents. Ate dinner, went to yogurt with my parents and came home. Dj walked in the living room and still hasn't said a word to me. It's now been over 24hrs since we spoke to each other.
"This is horse shit!"
Like I need this right now.

Plans

Isn't it funny how people talk in the term "plans"? Oh what is your 5 yr plan? Where do you want to be in 10 yrs? I'm asked that question every year for my annual review. I could never professionally express where I wanted to be because I am content and satisfied with my job and Employer.
If it was asked personally, where do you want to be in "4 yrs" I'd still be waiting 2 more yrs to be where I am at today. I couldn't wait that long. There is no way I could have waited to start a family for 4 yrs. Not saying that it's a bad thing but I didn't want to start at 30 if I had the option. There are always multiple factors that leads you to a decision. Sometimes we don't always SEE them all until after everything is said and done.
 

"Bittersweet. When we look back on the past and see where we are today, noting the lessons that we’ve learned along the journey, one can only accurately describe it as ‘bittersweet’. So many things in life prove to be bittersweet….but we don’t tend to realize the ‘sweet’ until we can accept and embrace all the ‘bitter’ components that guide us along our way. Most times that takes a lot of time, and confusion too. I’m not ashamed of my mistakes nor the memory full of regrets that once plagued my mind. They happened. They’re all in the past…and I’m no longer there dwelling in those choices and missteps. I’ve accepted each and everyone since instance of my life that I might have once classified as ‘bitter’ because now I know that were Blessings in Disguise. I’ve embraced that each past love & (coincidential) heartbreak was a stepping stone in the grand scheme of this Little Life of Mine. I may have no idea what’s next nor where I’m truly headed, but I’m actually okay with that. Maybe not every second of every day, but I’m okay. And even more so, I’m okay if I ended up making more mistakes along my journey; however, I’m determined to live my life without any regrets."
She said it quite well. I wish I could say the EXACT same. For the most part, I do. Just have to keep at it I guess.

So yesterday....

Yesterday was one of thee roughest days.
I knew that it was going to happen yet I didn't want it to.

My doctor wanted me to not go back to work! I can't take off work for NINE weeks! Are you kidding me?! What in the world am I going to do with myself. Other than SLEEP. I guess that wouldn't be such a bad thing considering....

I didn't realize that the pain in my feet was plantar fasciitis and would require cortozone injections in my heels! Or that the charlie horses in the middle of the night were a result of low levels of minerals, such as potassium and calcium. Which would be self explanitory because I'm horrible at taking my prenatal vitamins. I know shame on me! My hip pain is due to the softening and shifting of my pelvic bones, paired with the pressure of carrying around a huge uterus, can lead to hip pain and discomfort in the third trimester. Of course I can go on and on and on about all my other symptoms but who cares.

Long story short. My blood pressure is UP (bad) and Lily's is UP (good) and I'm having anxiety on top of it all, therefore, I am to stop working. I said no. She can't force me. However, as a compromise to her wanting to take me off NOW vs my original date Oct. 28th I agreed to next Friday. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF FOR 6 WEEKS?????? Lily isn't due to arrive until Nov 28th! That's a long time to be off work. I'm going to go crazy. LOL. It will take me 2 weeks to probably get all the projects that I want done around the house....so I'll sleep for the last MONTH.

I am looking forward to spending time with Jayden. He is my world.

You

Don't leave her

You say you and her are really over


Don’t wanna make up just to fall apart again

You say you want off this roller coaster

Well, friend, let me ask you this



Can you stand to see her dancin’ in somebody else’s arms?

Do you think that you’ll go crazy every time you see her car?

If you can’t scroll by her number, not dial it on your phone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her

If you can’t let her go



I ain’t saying you ain’t got good reason

For wanting to take a match to everything

But before you set your mind on leavin’

You really oughta stop and think



Can you run across her picture and not wonder where she is?

Can you catch the scent of her perfume and not think about her kiss?

If you can’t stop dreamin’ ’bout her when you’re sleepin’ all alone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her



Swallow your pride and turn this thing around

Cause this  here is a road

You don’t wanna go down



If you can’t stand to see her dancin’ in somebody else’s arms

Or you think that you’ll go crazy every time you see her car

If you can’t scroll by her number and not dial it on your phone

Well that’s all you need to know

Don’t leave her

Don’t leave her

If you can’t let her go

If you can’t let her go

Borderline Counselor Appointment

I would make a counselor appointment in a heartbeat if I could make it with Paul. But I can't. He's become our marriage counselor and therefore you can't see him as an individual because you would "tip the scale" so to speak in him being more "favorable" to one vs the other. OR there are no secrets. I can't go and tell him anything that he or I wouldn't be able to discuss in front of Dj. I'm not saying that I have all secrets, yet sometimes you just want to be able to talk to someone else about certain things with out having to disclose your every thought and feeling. Sometimes your spouse just isn't the one to understand and that's ok.
So where does that leave me. Having to search for a brand new counselor. Who doesn't know me or my past and I'd have to start from square one? Ummmm no thank you I'll pass. There's no way that I'm going to start from the beginning to try and explain what I'm feeling currently.

So.....still haven't decided how much I'm going to tell my OB Dr today....I'm not trying to be tough and strong or even stubborn. I just don't see what good it will do. Of course any major concerns for the baby's sake will be addressed but.....the rest of my thoughts just feel like my own bullshit. At least if I wasn't pregnant I would be able to smoke, drink, self medicate, get a tattoo to equal out the pain...last time I felt like this I.....
Damn I wish I could go back to bed!!

Tomorrow

So tomorrow I have my doctor's appointment and I'm debating whether or not to spill all or go in and act like everything is fine. Is there really going to be a difference in outcome?
I just glanced down at my feet and had to take a double......geez they're fat! lol gross. great now i feel like a whale and look like one too and now I get to have cankles? LOL. Hooray.
You know I look back on certain behaviors that I have had in my past and one stood out to me. Having a mental block when trying to eat. Have you ever tried or been in the middle of eating and all of a sudden you feel like you are going to throw up? Well I have and I'm not sick. Well you know what I mean, not the flu or anything. lol. I maybe sick in the head....and lately I feel like I'm loosing it and quite honestly it's a little scary. I've never felt out of control....like my emotions are coming and going and they are up and then they are down and then a wave hits me then calm, etc. Geezus I know I'm pregnant but this is beyond any hormonal changes.
I cried because Jayden spilt a box of milk duds all over my side of the bed. I cried because I tried telling Dj why I was upset, that all I do is clean clean clean and it's frustrating. His response, "so and so (I don't remember the name he used) and your mom did it. Surely you can survive it." Which sent me into another round of tears locking myself in the bathroom.
Eventually the house got cleaned, Jayden went to Grandma's and Dj and I went on our date for our Anniversary. It was a great weekend overall.
Why can't I just shake these shadows that are lingering deep within my heart. I feel like "someone" is about to die and I'm anticipating a death of a loved one. If that makes any sense what so ever....
I know I sound crazy. It makes my skin crawl just trying to voice how I feel.

Jayden and Chloe

This morning my son decides to "man handle" his favorite kitty. He starts dancing a bit then attempts to toss her aside like a rag doll. =( My poor Chloe.

30 weeks & Happy Anniversary!!

30 weeks with 9 weeks left and I am feeling like a huge whale looking like a large watermelon. LOL. Ugh. I'm happy and don't get me wrong i'm very excited to see my baby girl very soon....yet the waves of emotions I've recently been feeling have making me diagnosing myself and I never do that. I've been receiving my weekly updates on how I'm progressing and I keep clicking on the link about emotions. "Make sure you tell your doctor if you start to feel...." "Make sure you notify your doctor immediately if....." Seriously? How do I know if it's just normal or not? I mean come on, people FEEL things everyday it's a part of life right so why should I think any differently? Just because I'm pregnant it's different? No it's not. Yes, I know, I'm stubborn. But look, just because I don't have a thyroid and can be extremely fatigue to the point of I can't function and can pass out doesn't give me the excuse to play victim. I have meds for my condition. No excuses. So what are the result of my emotions during pregnancy? Medicate me? No thanks.

Like I said before. Going through difficult times while pregnant is like having a procedure done with no anesthesia. ...."This is gonna hurt.....this is gonna hurt like hell..........this is gonna damn near kill me.....sometimes the truth ain't easy"...."love don't run" .....................(sometimes we do....run). No drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no nothing. I already know that I'm getting a tattoo after I deliver. I must. I WANT to endure that pain to permanently mark on my body.....I know what I want and where I want it.

Disturbed

Yesterday was so much fun. I had a really good time visiting Apple Hill with my boys and eating delicious goodies. I was so beat when we got home I passed out at 8 o'clock! I had some pretty disturbing dreams last night. Not that they haven't happened before. But maybe because the phrase "I'm not the same person" was emphasized my mind subconsciously started to panic negatively. We all change, we're never the same exact person yet last nights dreams were vivid. I hate those. Unless they are amazing dreams which of course would make you feel warm and happy inside. Last nights, however, did not. All I kept seeing was this asshole of a man that was arrogant and flat out mean. It was like a movie. A character far beyond your imagination, so unreal, that it only could happen in a movie. Needless to say I woke up feeling......a number of things.

Ringing

I just caught the last 1/2 - 3/4 of that new Wall Street movie on HBO and I can't help repeat this quote over and over in my head.


"It's different now. We're supposed to make each other feel safe and if we don't then what's the point?"

Hmmmmm.....

***********************************
Update:
I was watching the movie Eat. Pray. Love last night as I was falling asleep. I've only seen it 1-2 times and I really liked it but it's been awhile. I laid there thinking now this is a movie that I could actually watch REPEATEDLY, if you know me I don't like watching movies I've already seen.
So I'm in my room since 7 after I laid Jayden down and was actually relaxing. I wasn't cleaning, even though there was laundry to be put away at the end of our bed. Laundry to be washed, get ready for our trip Sat, etc. I just laid there. Extremely rare event for me. I was waiting on my Tiger's yogurt request from Dj running an errand. After he came home he was hooking up his PS3 that I got him for our Anniversary in the living room. So I found another movie to watch.....
Have you seen this movie??? When she is in India and she's talking to Richard he tells her you can't leave this place until you forgive yourself. I lost it. That movie isn't just a chill, non-thinking type of movie. Everything about it is "soul searching" so to speak. So then I start to think and reflect. Which can be dangerous at times.
My stomach had been hurting all freaking day, I hadn't eaten anything but a bagel at 10am and a lil bit of chicken and rice when I got home. I picked up Jayden from daycare and came in the kitchen to make dinner. All of a sudden I felt light headed and knew I needed to eat STAT. I opened some applesauce and thankfully Dj was coming home as I was defrosting the chicken and attempting to start the rice. I needed to sit down. Jayden was in his highchair snacking.
Well having Dj take over perhaps wasn't the greatest idea. He can get flustered and was already hot/sweaty and irritated from work. He came home showing me what he bought me for our anniversary (I told him to get something for Lily since I don't need anything). I was not able to focus at that moment which disappointed him. Adding to his frustration. I eventually come sit down with Jayden in the living room and I hear a big "sizzle" he was trying to take out the chicken dish and dropped it resulting with it hitting the bottom of the oven and him burning his hand. At this point im more irritated than concerned because if he would have just slowed down and pulled out a proper oven mit or even took the time to get a towel it wouldn't have happened. So now he's pissed. Half acting like a joking diva but half serious. I didn't react.
So the evening was already started out rough....
Which ended up being fine.
Yet when laying in bed, alone, like normal because he's never home. I realize I just bought him a PS3. LOL. He deserves to have his fun but damn. I never see him as it is working 120+ hours a pay period and now he's going to want to unwind playing his game. Phooey.
So my tears were an accumulation of a rough night, missing someone severely, feeling like I have no friends and my husband being MIA. I seriously hate when I have to put Jayden to bed sometimes because I feel like he's my only constant in my life.....
Perhaps this stupid stomach ache is just stress related? I've lost my appetite, I can't eat.
But you better believe I am going to be eating a caramel apple today. Can't guarantee that it will be just one. ..

First day of FALL

My favorite season has FINALLY ARRIVED. I am to say that I don't feel like I'm "falling" like I was just a short time ago. I've been given hope and that's all anyone can ask for.

On another note, my stomach hurts so bad today. First this morning was anxiety attack and a headache. Headache hasn't gone away but the anxiety has (thank you). My eyes probably look like I got punched (from crying). Yet I don't know why I've developed such pain in my tummy. I ate breakfast. My fav, bagel and cream cheese =) gotta love them carbs right?! Perhaps more water will help. Not like I need to go to the bathroom any more frequently than I already am but maybe it will help flush the ickies away.... I'm trying very hard to take a deep breath and remain calm, but I have not felt Lily kick me more than 2x in the past 2-3 days....I'm only 30wks just about and she's only 3-4lbs right now. But everytime I go in to my Dr they ask me if I actively feel her move. I can't say that I have and that worries me. But then again, I'm not one to overreact...but when do you make sure there is nothing to be concerned about. Last time I was pregnant and I had got into a car accident I got repremanded for not immediately going to the hospital into Labor and Delivery for fetal monitoring. I told them look I was at a stop sign for pete's sake! The crash was not that forceful. They didn't seem to care either way.
This pregnancy is soooooooooo different every symptom I have makes me "gasp" in reaction thinking what was that? Is that ok? Is it normal?? I had ALL DAY morning sickness for the first 2-3 months I was pregnant. I had food poisioning during that time as well so I threw up more in that time frame then I have my entire life. Which is why I haven't gained much weight. LOL. I've had my organs re-arrange themselves in the beginning, which was the POPPING noises I felt all over my belly/chest/pelvis/sides. That's a feeling you can't even describe, LOL, at least it wasn't painful. Then excruciating pain in my lower belly/pelvis area from my previous c-section scar tissue stretching!! That was intense pain. Heartburn that was so bad the back of my neck BURNED I wanted to cry. Anxiety from work/home stress (balance), which is why I was given a refill =). Oh, acid reflux for the first time EVER on the night of my BIRTHDAY. I blame it on spaghetti and glass of wine I had. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling gas fumes coming up my throat and started choking, ran to the bathroom and threw up all over the sink, floor and toilet. TMI? Sorry, but that shirt hurt so bad. To think Jayden had acid reflux for his first 6mo of life no wonder he cried! That stuff hurts!!! My back hurts so bad I have to take tylenol almost daily to relieve the pain of carrying baby. My neck and shoulders have hurt so bad I've been going to Physical Therapy for over a month now. She has been working her magic, yet when I hear "oh that's more than just stiffness", "you're left side is your worst yet the right side is nothing to sneeze at either" or "I want you to keep coming so we can work on aligning your spine and discs more" Ummmm ok. I've felt like this for well over a year just worse with stress and you're telling me that it's more than that? What the hell.....my body is breaking down on me? Am I really that old??? lol. For the first time in well over a year I can actually move my neck from left to right with out using my hand to push on my chin and it's cracks!! It feels so much looser.....I don't think I've ever been able to do that! If by the end of my 6 visits I'm not better I might be referred for a MRI. I've never had an MRI in my life. Obviously that has to be after the baby is born.... My feet are starting to swell, I'm starting to waddle

Oh ya after the baby is born I get to go to the dentist and get my cavaites filled, go back to my OB to have a re-check on my cervix to make sure I don't have cervical cancer she thinks it's just irratation from pregnancy so only way to check is to wait until after delivery (no harm to the baby) and follow up with MRI for my neck/shoulder....oh and my levels plummited so quickly that I am being monitored 2x as much for my thyroid as usual. More blood work, more visits, another ultrasound.

I swear, can't they start a frequent flyer miles at the doctor's offices?? Because I swear I'M LIVING there. I work and am seen constantly!!

I pray my blood pressure is lower than my last visit. I really don't want to start any blood pressure medication for the first time ever in my life while pregnant. But if I don't, or if it's still high I risk going into pre-mature labor....

We'll know on Monday!

Right now I'm going to ENJOY my weekend going to Apple Hill with my family celebrating my 2nd wedding anniversary and having a date with my husband on Sunday so we can actually sit down and eat a meal together just the two of us with out a lil piggy asking for "a bite?.....a bite?" LOL.

First day of Fall, Apple Hill and Wedding Anniversary.

I need help

I can never speak freely. I can never say what it is that I'm truly thinking for I'm in fear of someone else reading it. Someone else misinterpreting my words or flat out thinking about things I shouldn't be. Therefore, I always feel like I can't speak my mind. My mind is never free. It was once upon a time. Yet, I have yet to feel that way again. Facebook, blogging, friends, family, spouse....makes no impact what so ever.
I feel like I always have this whole different world inside my mind that no one understands. NO ONE. Not my husband, not my best friend, my mom, no one. No one that understands. So if I were to finally have someone that understood, are you supposed to clench tight and never let them go? People come and go in our lives right? Whether alive or dead, why do the exits hurt the same? Loosing someone feels the same as if they died.
My heart is currently hurting right now. Hurting is an understatement. Listening to Adele "Someone like you" rings true to my core. Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead. So very true. It doesn't matter if it's been 20min or 2 yrs, it does not and will not ever change.
So now, you have accepted it to be "it is what it is" and now we are in the coping stage. How do people deal with overcoming an addiction? How does one constantly turn down the constant urge to have a drink when an alcoholic? It requires strength right? Why do I feel so WEAK?! I am not a weak person! I actually think I'm quite strong. Maybe that is a key factor that bothers me in this situation. No matter how I try to convince myself, This time I won't lose control.
After today, I feel like a total weakling. Like it's my fault that I don't have the strength to endure this for the rest of my life. It's my fault for thinking any different. I've caused enough damage and should just disappear off the map. Take down the blog, forget facebook, eliminate as much technology as humanly possible and change my whole lifestyle. I'm being completely serious. You have the ability to read what I'm thinking from time to time, yet in return I get the silent treatment. That's what it is however you want to dice it. I'm networking with friends and family but perhaps I should get a life. Pick up a book, write in my journal old fashion way with a pen vs a keyboard.
I have a feeling our last conversation isn't going to be finished, I know sometimes there is nothing left to say. So if it's left at what it is...
"I've got you under my skin".....

Once - Rascal Flatts

I've never heard this song before and I LOVE Rascal Flatts....amazing lyrics.

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)

Wow. Powerful lyrics.