I need help

I can never speak freely. I can never say what it is that I'm truly thinking for I'm in fear of someone else reading it. Someone else misinterpreting my words or flat out thinking about things I shouldn't be. Therefore, I always feel like I can't speak my mind. My mind is never free. It was once upon a time. Yet, I have yet to feel that way again. Facebook, blogging, friends, family, spouse....makes no impact what so ever.
I feel like I always have this whole different world inside my mind that no one understands. NO ONE. Not my husband, not my best friend, my mom, no one. No one that understands. So if I were to finally have someone that understood, are you supposed to clench tight and never let them go? People come and go in our lives right? Whether alive or dead, why do the exits hurt the same? Loosing someone feels the same as if they died.
My heart is currently hurting right now. Hurting is an understatement. Listening to Adele "Someone like you" rings true to my core. Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead. So very true. It doesn't matter if it's been 20min or 2 yrs, it does not and will not ever change.
So now, you have accepted it to be "it is what it is" and now we are in the coping stage. How do people deal with overcoming an addiction? How does one constantly turn down the constant urge to have a drink when an alcoholic? It requires strength right? Why do I feel so WEAK?! I am not a weak person! I actually think I'm quite strong. Maybe that is a key factor that bothers me in this situation. No matter how I try to convince myself, This time I won't lose control.
After today, I feel like a total weakling. Like it's my fault that I don't have the strength to endure this for the rest of my life. It's my fault for thinking any different. I've caused enough damage and should just disappear off the map. Take down the blog, forget facebook, eliminate as much technology as humanly possible and change my whole lifestyle. I'm being completely serious. You have the ability to read what I'm thinking from time to time, yet in return I get the silent treatment. That's what it is however you want to dice it. I'm networking with friends and family but perhaps I should get a life. Pick up a book, write in my journal old fashion way with a pen vs a keyboard.
I have a feeling our last conversation isn't going to be finished, I know sometimes there is nothing left to say. So if it's left at what it is...
"I've got you under my skin".....